For All The Right Reasons - Chapter 4
Mar. 28th, 2017 07:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
learashiPairing: Sakumoto
Rating: This chapter PG
Genre: m-preg, romance, au
Disclaimer: This is entirely fiction, and couldn’t exist anywhere else but in my head.
Summary: Sakurai Sho has always achieved everything he's ever wanted in his successful business life. Why is it so different in his personal life? Sho has no idea that anything is even wrong with his marriage until he comes home one night and finds his young husband gone. Will he be able to find Jun and make things right between them again?
Previously:CH 1, CH 2, CH 3
Nino went back to the bakery later, happy that it was open once more.
There was no sign of Jun or the tall, thin man that he'd presumed was Aiba. Instead the small man with a slightly flat face and dark hooded eyes was behind the counter. He looked at his phone every few seconds as if awaiting an important call.
Nino felt a twinge of guilt as he looked at his own phone, there had been three calls from his employer in just the last ten minutes alone.
In fact, as he walked to the counter it rang yet again, before he quickly switched it off. In his mind he could see the angry expression Sho would be wearing right now, but he didn't want to speak to him until he had further information on what was happening here.
"It seems like we have the opposite problem. I want mine to ring and you obviously don't," the man behind the counter said with a smile.
"It's always that way," Nino replied, with a smile of his own. There was something very comforting about not only this bakery, but the man who he was speaking to right at this moment.
++++
Jun had been in a daze since the doctor made her pronouncement of his condition. In fact he hadn't heard a single word since. He'd vaguely registered Aiba signing some forms for him and taking a paper bag full of vitamins and leaflets on Carrier pregnancies, but it was as if it was happening somewhere far away and to someone else.
Jun's daze lasted until they arrived back at Aiba's apartment. He didn't even realize that he was crying until Aiba dropped the medicine on the counter and came over to sit next to him on the sofa and hug him.
"Why now? Why just when I am making a change to my life?" Jun asked sadly, burying his face in Aiba's neck.
"Don't you want a baby?"
"I did. I do. It's just that the timing is all wrong. I want Sho to want me for me, not just because I'm carrying his child."
"Then don't tell him," Aiba said, patting Jun's shoulder consolingly.
"But he has the right to know."
"I agree, but the doctor said that you're only about six weeks pregnant. That means that you probably have at least another six or seven weeks before it starts to show."
"Are you saying that I should lie?"
"No! I'm just saying that you don't need to tell him just yet. You still have time to sort out your relationship before then. You do want that, don't you?"
"Of course I do," Jun replied. "But I have no idea what Sho wants. Maybe he hates me for leaving. Or maybe he's relieved that I'm gone"
"Now you're being a melodramatic idiot."
Jun laughed and wiped his cheeks, saying that he was going to have a bath before dinner.
"Remember to not have the water too hot, it can be dangerous for the baby," Aiba chided gently, earning himself a glare from his friend.
"I'm not stupid. I would never to anything to jeopardize my baby," Jun said, laying his hand protectively on his belly without even realizing what he was doing.
"I just wasn't sure that you were listening to the doctor earlier."
"I wasn't, not really, but Sho has bought what seems like every pregnancy book ever written over the last few months," Jun replied. Sho had been so cute reading out snippets from the books and wondering whether a girl or boy would be easier to raise. But Sho's voice had faltered as he imagined his father's face if he didn't manage to produce a son first up.
As Jun floated in the tub, he imagined himself in Sho's position with all the weight of family expectations upon his shoulders. Perhaps Sho didn't have things as easy as he had always believed.
++++
Ohno sighed with relief when he read Aiba's text. Jun had been prescribed some vitamins and been ordered to have a few days off from work. He could have sworn that it was something more serious so Aiba's words instantly lifted a weight from his shoulders.
The attractive customer with the expressive eyes and delicate features was looking at him with an unreadable expression.
"Good news?" Nino asked, barely daring to breathe as he waited for the reply. He liked Jun very much and thought that he had done only good things for Sho's personality since their wedding.
"Yes, actually. One of my employees hasn't been feeling well, but it seems like he just needs some rest," Ohno responded with a smile that utterly transformed his face.
Nino's smile mirrored the older man's as they stood grinning foolishly at each other.
++++
Aiba was shovelling fried rice into his mouth in a way that was making Jun feel slightly queasy. "Did you think any more about keeping this a secret?"
"I don't know...Sho wants this more than anything else in the world. It feels wrong to not tell him," Jun said as he swallowed one of the pills the doctor had prescribed him. There was a high rate of miscarriages in first time Carrier pregnancies. The medicine that Jun had been prescribed lowered the risk substantially if taken for the first trimester.
"I don't mean forever, just until you two sort your feelings out properly. I just don't know how to make that happen though. Should I get Shun to 'accidentally' tell Sho where you are?" Aiba piled rice onto Jun's plate as he spoke; not at all impressed with the tiny amount he'd eaten so far. "You need to eat this. No wonder you're dizzy, you've eaten virtually nothing all day."
"Yes nurse," Jun replied, giving Aiba a mock salute. He did pick up his spoon and chew on a mouthful thoughtfully before answering, finding that he was actually quite hungry after all. "I don't think it will be long before Sho comes here anyway. I'm sure that I saw his personal shadow Nino in the bakery before I almost killed Chinen. He is okay isn't he?" Jun liked Chinen a lot and had felt terrible at the time.
Aiba snorted, "Don't worry about him. He's tougher than he looks. He's probably already written a soulful piece of music about the whole incident."
"Well, he did sound like a deflating set of bagpipes..." Jun giggled.
Aiba snickered, but then realized what Jun had just said. "Nino? Are you sure?"
Aiba had never met the man but Jun had told him all about Sho's assistant and the way that he ruled Sho with an iron fist.
"I didn't see him, but I heard his voice. I should have known that Sho would send him to look for me," Jun wasn't surprised, but disappointed that Sho had sent someone rather than search for him by himself. That thought alone was enough to convince Jun that telling Sho about the pregnancy immediately would be a mistake.
"So what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to continue things just as they are. I don't want anyone else to know about the baby apart from us. Promise you won't blab?"
Aiba nodded vigorously as he made a zipping gesture across his lips before sneaking an extra spoonful of rice onto Jun's plate.
++++
Sho sat on the balcony with a glass of whiskey in his hand. Jun had often been out here when he came home, shivering in the cool air, but determined to try and catch a glimpse of the stars amongst the lights of the city.
He missed Jun. He missed his comforting presence, his smile, his laugh. He missed knowing that he would be sitting here on this balcony, waiting up for him, no matter how late it was when he could finally escape the office. He missed his warm and supple body, the way he would abandon himself wholeheartedly to their lovemaking, engulfing him with a tight heat as he filled him with his release. He missed holding him in his arms afterwards, Jun's messy hair tickling his ear as he buried his face into the side of his neck.
His parents had begun to pressure him even before the wedding day was over. Sakurai males had always produced an heir before their thirtieth birthday. Sho was already twenty-seven and they demanded that he start trying for a baby straight away. But Sho wanted time to learn how to share his life with Jun. His marriage was one based on love and respect, not a business arrangement as his own parents had been. He already felt bad about not taking Jun on a proper honeymoon, bowing to business and parental pressures and the need to prove himself worthy of his place in the hierarchy.
He had thought that he was doing the right thing by delaying for a year, but it had only doubled the pressure exerted on him afterwards. Somehow he had become so obsessed with the physical aspect of impregnating Jun, he had lost his way, and forgotten how to show his love during the very act which came from love in the first place.
Three days ago Nino had told him where Jun was and his first thought had been to storm in and drag him back home. But if he did that, would he ever see Jun smile or look at him with love again?
++++
"Jun! Welcome back!" Ohno beamed as Jun made his way into the back of the bakery. "You look much better."
Aiba and Jun exchanged a glance. Ohno wouldn't have thought that if he'd seen Jun with his head down the toilet first thing that morning.
Aiba had been forced to clean his teeth in the kitchen sink while Jun lay on the tiled floor of the bathroom alternatively vomiting and crying.
But when Aiba returned from his classes for the day, Jun was looking better than he had done in days; there was even a healthy flush of colour to his cheeks.
"Are you sure about going back to work today?" Aiba still remembered how Jun had been that morning.
"I'm fine now. I went back to sleep for a few hours and ate some of the special grapes your mother sent you. I'll buy you some more later."
"Never mind the grapes, as long as you feel better."
"Jun I have some platters to make up for a party. Would you be able to arrange them for me?" Ohno asked, dragging the pair back to the present.
"Can I help?" Aiba asked longingly.
"Absolutely not. Last time you ate half the chocolate eclairs," Ohno said.
"There was an odd number. I had to even them out..." protested Aiba as he was dragged away and told to clean the front window.
Jun smiled and hummed under his breath as he arranged the delicate pastries, pleased to have his work to distract him from his mixed up feelings.
++++
Sho was confused by the email from his health insurance company with an attached invoice for a hospital visit. Surely it must be an error. He hadn't been to the doctor since his annual check-up and Nino hadn't said anything about Jun being sick.
As he opened the email he could feel his pulse beating rapidly in the side of his neck. It was quite clear; Jun had been admitted to hospital for a series of extensive tests and released later on the same day.
To his dismay there was no diagnostic information, only a listing of the tests and their cost. Did this mean that Jun could be seriously ill?
Sho became even more distressed when at the very end of the list he read that they had done a pregnancy test. He couldn't even begin to imagine how upset Jun would have been to have them give him yet another negative result. The last time he had taken one at home, Jun had locked himself in the bedroom for hours, refusing to speak or eat after tossing the used stick in the bin.
”Jun, baby, please let me in. I’m worried about you.” Sho was seriously considering breaking down the door. Jun had looked almost terrified as he’d seen the negative result on the test stick and he’d been in the bedroom for hours now. “I need to reassure myself that you’re alright.”
The door opened a crack but by the time Sho was inside the room Jun had returned to the bed, burying himself under a heaped mound of blankets so that not even the smallest part of him was visible.
“Jun, you don’t have to be so upset. I’m sure it will happen soon; we just have to keep trying.” Even as he spoke the words Sho could hear the lack of conviction in his own voice. They had been trying for almost eight months now with no result. His mother was ringing him on a weekly basis and asking the same question every time to which he always had to give a negative answer. His father had even hinted that perhaps there had been an error in Jun’s diagnosis as a Carrier which would allow for the possible annulment of their marriage.
“I’m useless to you if I can’t make a baby.” Jun’s voice was muffled by the blankets but Sho could still make out his words.
“You aren’t useless. All of my colleagues are jealous of the beautiful husband I have waiting for me at home every night and the wonderful meals you prepare when we are entertaining,” Sho said as he pulled back the blankets far enough to reveal a mass of dark hair which he patted consolingly. “We just have to have sex more often than we already are. I don’t see how that can be too much of a hardship for you. But if nothing happens by next month perhaps you should look at going to the doctors to check that everything is working okay at your end.”
“O-okay,” Jun mumbled.
“Now, cheer up sweetheart, it’s not the end of the world just yet.”
With one last pat, Sho walked from the room, making a mental not to ask Nino to send Jun some flowers to try and cheer him up as he heard the quiet sobs continuing to come from under the blankets.
The memory of his behaviour on that night made him feel a deep and burning shame. How could he have ignored the pain that Jun was feeling at yet another failure? How could he have been so blind to Jun’s distress? Until now he hadn’t even realized that he’d stopped showing Jun the depth of his love which had somehow been hidden by his obsessive need to reproduce.
There was no possibility of him waiting any longer; he needed to see Jun, if only to reassure himself that he was well. The thought of Jun being ill enough to be admitted to hospital terrified him. Even if he was rebuffed, he would confirm with his own eyes that his husband was fine, but he hoped that Jun would allow him the opportunity to take a small step towards making amends for his arrogant and hurtful behaviour.
++++
The next day, Jun was scheduled for the early morning shift. He decided that it would be better to not eat first, in case he needed to be sick again until Aiba reminded him that he needed to at least drink some milk with his pills.
Ohno was there as usual, watching over his rising bread dough like an overprotective parent. Jun wondered if the man ever even went home after he had caught him sleeping in his office on more than one occasion.
Jun's nose was assaulted by many different smells as he walked through the bakery. It was enough to make his head spin. He could handle the sweet smell of chocolate and caramel mixing with the tang of lemon and raspberry; it was the strong coffee that Ohno offered him that set him off.
Ohno was left stranded with his hand outstretched as Jun ran to the employees' bathroom, covering his mouth in an attempt to contain disaster.
When he returned ten minutes later, looking far too pale and slightly green, Ohno wanted him to go home. It was against health regulations to have a sick employee handling food. Jun managed to persuade him to allow him to work on his mural; this way he could still work but not be near the food or the customers. Since the café corner was temporarily closed while Jun undertook the refurbishments, it made sense to have it completed as soon as possible. Ohno was losing money every day by not offering an eat-in service.
Ohno reluctantly agreed, bringing Jun a warm croissant and a cup of tea after an hour or so, pleased with the progress that Jun was making. He was surprised that his employee had completely recovered from his earlier sickness. The way that Jun was happily chewing on the flaky pastry was a far cry from the pale and ill Jun from such a short while ago.
Ohno resolved to keep a close eye on his newest employee. He had a feeling that all was not well behind his cheerful facade.
++++
"That looks incredible."
Jun's hand jerked at the familiar voice, smearing the paint in a diagonal streak across the wall. He was scared to turn around, instead he fixed his gaze on the paint smear, attempting to repair the damage before the paint dried.
"Please look at me."
Knowing that if he did, he would be lost, Jun shook his head, instead asking, "Why are you here? I'm sure that Nino gave you a full report on my activities."
"I wanted to see for myself that you were okay. There was an invoice from the hospital..."
"You don't have anything to worry about. I can pay you back if you like, but it might take me a while," Jun's hand was shaking so badly by now that he was having trouble just holding the brush.
"Jun? Is this man bothering you?" It was Ohno, stepping in to sort out what he thought was an issue with a customer.
"Of course I'm not bothering him..." Sho blustered.
"This is my husband," Jun said, finally turning away from the wall. "He's just leaving."
"Jun, we need to talk. Please come with me somewhere more private," Sho said, stepping closer and raising his hand, as if to make Jun come with him.
Jun flinched backwards, making Sho drop his hand and back away.
"I'm sorry, but I think you should leave now. Jun obviously doesn't wish to speak with you." Ohno said, opening the door and gesturing for Sho to leave.
Sho nodded, not wanting to create a scene. "I'll be waiting for your call. Any time day or night, just ring me and I will come."
Jun stood as if carved from stone as Sho walked out the door. One look into Sho’s pleading eyes and he’d been so tempted to fling himself into his arms, but common sense prevailed. He needed to have all of his thoughts in order before he met with his husband again.
++++
Three hours later Sho was still sitting in his car directly opposite the bakery. Nino had warned him not to do anything stupid, but he'd done it anyway. He should have known that Jun would be startled by him just turning up unannounced like that.
He'd been shocked by the pallor of Jun's face and the fact that he seemed to have lost a great deal of weight since he'd last laid eyes on him. The emotional stress of the last few weeks had obviously affected Jun greatly.
The burden of guilt on Sho's shoulders grew even heavier.
++++
When Aiba arrived for his shift the last person he expected to see was Jun, still working.
"What do you think you're doing?" Aiba snatched the brush from Jun's fingers and forced him to sit on one of the rickety chairs.
"I'm working."
"How long have you been here?"
"Too long," Ohno said as he placed a slice of apple pie and a glass of milk in front of Jun. "Eat this and go home. And don't even think of coming in tomorrow."
"Thanks," Jun mumbled, taking a sip of the milk while trying to disguise the trembling of his hands.
Ohno didn't want to interfere with his employees' private affairs, but he couldn't help telling Aiba. "His husband came by. He hasn't stopped since. Maybe you can make him see sense, because he just ignores me and keeps working."
"Sho was here? What did he want? What did he say?" Aiba knew he was babbling but the words just kept coming.
"He received an invoice for the hospital visit so he came to see if I was okay," Jun said as he tried a nibble of the pie, before wolfing a few large mouthfuls of it down hungrily.
"Where is he now?" Aiba said looking around the room.
"He's sitting in his car across the street."
Aiba sidled over to the door and furtively looked across the road.
There was a large and expensive silver Mercedes with heavily tinted windows sitting directly opposite.
"Wow, what a car!" Aiba said as he sat down and helped himself to some of Jun's pie.” So he's been there for hours just waiting for the chance to see you? What are you going to do?"
"I think that I want to talk to him," Jun replied, only just realizing that it was what he wanted to do. "I'm not intending on going back with him, but I think that he deserves an explanation."
"Take him back to my apartment. I'll be here for the next four hours, so you won't be disturbed." Aiba said as he helped Jun into his coat.
Ohno came back over with two bulging bags full of still warm from the oven mini pizzas, quiches and tiny sugared donuts. "Here, you still look hungry. And remember, no work tomorrow."
"Thanks guys," Jun said as he picked up the bags. If only his meeting with Sho would be so easy.
++++
Through the tinted glass Jun could just barely make out the slumped figure of his husband. Sho was bent forward at an uncomfortable angle with his forehead resting on the steering wheel.
Jun tapped lightly on the window, waking Sho from his daze.
"Hello," Jun said before clearing throat nervously.
"Jun!" Sho's large expressive eyes were filled with sudden hope.
"We need to talk," Jun said, shuffling the bags nervously from one hand to the other.
"That’s all I want to do. I’m not here to force you to return with me," Sho said, jumping out of the car and rushing around to the other side. He opened the door on the front passenger side and escorted Jun into the front seat. His heart was racing at the proximity of his husband after such a long separation.
Jun was equally as nervous. After being apart from his husband for three weeks he felt his resolve to not return on anything less than his own terms weakening. Sho’s comforting arms were so close. All Jun had to do was fling himself into them and everything would return to the way it was before; but that’s precisely what he was most afraid of.
Rating: This chapter PG
Genre: m-preg, romance, au
Disclaimer: This is entirely fiction, and couldn’t exist anywhere else but in my head.
Summary: Sakurai Sho has always achieved everything he's ever wanted in his successful business life. Why is it so different in his personal life? Sho has no idea that anything is even wrong with his marriage until he comes home one night and finds his young husband gone. Will he be able to find Jun and make things right between them again?
Previously:CH 1, CH 2, CH 3
Nino went back to the bakery later, happy that it was open once more.
There was no sign of Jun or the tall, thin man that he'd presumed was Aiba. Instead the small man with a slightly flat face and dark hooded eyes was behind the counter. He looked at his phone every few seconds as if awaiting an important call.
Nino felt a twinge of guilt as he looked at his own phone, there had been three calls from his employer in just the last ten minutes alone.
In fact, as he walked to the counter it rang yet again, before he quickly switched it off. In his mind he could see the angry expression Sho would be wearing right now, but he didn't want to speak to him until he had further information on what was happening here.
"It seems like we have the opposite problem. I want mine to ring and you obviously don't," the man behind the counter said with a smile.
"It's always that way," Nino replied, with a smile of his own. There was something very comforting about not only this bakery, but the man who he was speaking to right at this moment.
++++
Jun had been in a daze since the doctor made her pronouncement of his condition. In fact he hadn't heard a single word since. He'd vaguely registered Aiba signing some forms for him and taking a paper bag full of vitamins and leaflets on Carrier pregnancies, but it was as if it was happening somewhere far away and to someone else.
Jun's daze lasted until they arrived back at Aiba's apartment. He didn't even realize that he was crying until Aiba dropped the medicine on the counter and came over to sit next to him on the sofa and hug him.
"Why now? Why just when I am making a change to my life?" Jun asked sadly, burying his face in Aiba's neck.
"Don't you want a baby?"
"I did. I do. It's just that the timing is all wrong. I want Sho to want me for me, not just because I'm carrying his child."
"Then don't tell him," Aiba said, patting Jun's shoulder consolingly.
"But he has the right to know."
"I agree, but the doctor said that you're only about six weeks pregnant. That means that you probably have at least another six or seven weeks before it starts to show."
"Are you saying that I should lie?"
"No! I'm just saying that you don't need to tell him just yet. You still have time to sort out your relationship before then. You do want that, don't you?"
"Of course I do," Jun replied. "But I have no idea what Sho wants. Maybe he hates me for leaving. Or maybe he's relieved that I'm gone"
"Now you're being a melodramatic idiot."
Jun laughed and wiped his cheeks, saying that he was going to have a bath before dinner.
"Remember to not have the water too hot, it can be dangerous for the baby," Aiba chided gently, earning himself a glare from his friend.
"I'm not stupid. I would never to anything to jeopardize my baby," Jun said, laying his hand protectively on his belly without even realizing what he was doing.
"I just wasn't sure that you were listening to the doctor earlier."
"I wasn't, not really, but Sho has bought what seems like every pregnancy book ever written over the last few months," Jun replied. Sho had been so cute reading out snippets from the books and wondering whether a girl or boy would be easier to raise. But Sho's voice had faltered as he imagined his father's face if he didn't manage to produce a son first up.
As Jun floated in the tub, he imagined himself in Sho's position with all the weight of family expectations upon his shoulders. Perhaps Sho didn't have things as easy as he had always believed.
++++
Ohno sighed with relief when he read Aiba's text. Jun had been prescribed some vitamins and been ordered to have a few days off from work. He could have sworn that it was something more serious so Aiba's words instantly lifted a weight from his shoulders.
The attractive customer with the expressive eyes and delicate features was looking at him with an unreadable expression.
"Good news?" Nino asked, barely daring to breathe as he waited for the reply. He liked Jun very much and thought that he had done only good things for Sho's personality since their wedding.
"Yes, actually. One of my employees hasn't been feeling well, but it seems like he just needs some rest," Ohno responded with a smile that utterly transformed his face.
Nino's smile mirrored the older man's as they stood grinning foolishly at each other.
++++
Aiba was shovelling fried rice into his mouth in a way that was making Jun feel slightly queasy. "Did you think any more about keeping this a secret?"
"I don't know...Sho wants this more than anything else in the world. It feels wrong to not tell him," Jun said as he swallowed one of the pills the doctor had prescribed him. There was a high rate of miscarriages in first time Carrier pregnancies. The medicine that Jun had been prescribed lowered the risk substantially if taken for the first trimester.
"I don't mean forever, just until you two sort your feelings out properly. I just don't know how to make that happen though. Should I get Shun to 'accidentally' tell Sho where you are?" Aiba piled rice onto Jun's plate as he spoke; not at all impressed with the tiny amount he'd eaten so far. "You need to eat this. No wonder you're dizzy, you've eaten virtually nothing all day."
"Yes nurse," Jun replied, giving Aiba a mock salute. He did pick up his spoon and chew on a mouthful thoughtfully before answering, finding that he was actually quite hungry after all. "I don't think it will be long before Sho comes here anyway. I'm sure that I saw his personal shadow Nino in the bakery before I almost killed Chinen. He is okay isn't he?" Jun liked Chinen a lot and had felt terrible at the time.
Aiba snorted, "Don't worry about him. He's tougher than he looks. He's probably already written a soulful piece of music about the whole incident."
"Well, he did sound like a deflating set of bagpipes..." Jun giggled.
Aiba snickered, but then realized what Jun had just said. "Nino? Are you sure?"
Aiba had never met the man but Jun had told him all about Sho's assistant and the way that he ruled Sho with an iron fist.
"I didn't see him, but I heard his voice. I should have known that Sho would send him to look for me," Jun wasn't surprised, but disappointed that Sho had sent someone rather than search for him by himself. That thought alone was enough to convince Jun that telling Sho about the pregnancy immediately would be a mistake.
"So what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to continue things just as they are. I don't want anyone else to know about the baby apart from us. Promise you won't blab?"
Aiba nodded vigorously as he made a zipping gesture across his lips before sneaking an extra spoonful of rice onto Jun's plate.
++++
Sho sat on the balcony with a glass of whiskey in his hand. Jun had often been out here when he came home, shivering in the cool air, but determined to try and catch a glimpse of the stars amongst the lights of the city.
He missed Jun. He missed his comforting presence, his smile, his laugh. He missed knowing that he would be sitting here on this balcony, waiting up for him, no matter how late it was when he could finally escape the office. He missed his warm and supple body, the way he would abandon himself wholeheartedly to their lovemaking, engulfing him with a tight heat as he filled him with his release. He missed holding him in his arms afterwards, Jun's messy hair tickling his ear as he buried his face into the side of his neck.
His parents had begun to pressure him even before the wedding day was over. Sakurai males had always produced an heir before their thirtieth birthday. Sho was already twenty-seven and they demanded that he start trying for a baby straight away. But Sho wanted time to learn how to share his life with Jun. His marriage was one based on love and respect, not a business arrangement as his own parents had been. He already felt bad about not taking Jun on a proper honeymoon, bowing to business and parental pressures and the need to prove himself worthy of his place in the hierarchy.
He had thought that he was doing the right thing by delaying for a year, but it had only doubled the pressure exerted on him afterwards. Somehow he had become so obsessed with the physical aspect of impregnating Jun, he had lost his way, and forgotten how to show his love during the very act which came from love in the first place.
Three days ago Nino had told him where Jun was and his first thought had been to storm in and drag him back home. But if he did that, would he ever see Jun smile or look at him with love again?
++++
"Jun! Welcome back!" Ohno beamed as Jun made his way into the back of the bakery. "You look much better."
Aiba and Jun exchanged a glance. Ohno wouldn't have thought that if he'd seen Jun with his head down the toilet first thing that morning.
Aiba had been forced to clean his teeth in the kitchen sink while Jun lay on the tiled floor of the bathroom alternatively vomiting and crying.
But when Aiba returned from his classes for the day, Jun was looking better than he had done in days; there was even a healthy flush of colour to his cheeks.
"Are you sure about going back to work today?" Aiba still remembered how Jun had been that morning.
"I'm fine now. I went back to sleep for a few hours and ate some of the special grapes your mother sent you. I'll buy you some more later."
"Never mind the grapes, as long as you feel better."
"Jun I have some platters to make up for a party. Would you be able to arrange them for me?" Ohno asked, dragging the pair back to the present.
"Can I help?" Aiba asked longingly.
"Absolutely not. Last time you ate half the chocolate eclairs," Ohno said.
"There was an odd number. I had to even them out..." protested Aiba as he was dragged away and told to clean the front window.
Jun smiled and hummed under his breath as he arranged the delicate pastries, pleased to have his work to distract him from his mixed up feelings.
++++
Sho was confused by the email from his health insurance company with an attached invoice for a hospital visit. Surely it must be an error. He hadn't been to the doctor since his annual check-up and Nino hadn't said anything about Jun being sick.
As he opened the email he could feel his pulse beating rapidly in the side of his neck. It was quite clear; Jun had been admitted to hospital for a series of extensive tests and released later on the same day.
To his dismay there was no diagnostic information, only a listing of the tests and their cost. Did this mean that Jun could be seriously ill?
Sho became even more distressed when at the very end of the list he read that they had done a pregnancy test. He couldn't even begin to imagine how upset Jun would have been to have them give him yet another negative result. The last time he had taken one at home, Jun had locked himself in the bedroom for hours, refusing to speak or eat after tossing the used stick in the bin.
”Jun, baby, please let me in. I’m worried about you.” Sho was seriously considering breaking down the door. Jun had looked almost terrified as he’d seen the negative result on the test stick and he’d been in the bedroom for hours now. “I need to reassure myself that you’re alright.”
The door opened a crack but by the time Sho was inside the room Jun had returned to the bed, burying himself under a heaped mound of blankets so that not even the smallest part of him was visible.
“Jun, you don’t have to be so upset. I’m sure it will happen soon; we just have to keep trying.” Even as he spoke the words Sho could hear the lack of conviction in his own voice. They had been trying for almost eight months now with no result. His mother was ringing him on a weekly basis and asking the same question every time to which he always had to give a negative answer. His father had even hinted that perhaps there had been an error in Jun’s diagnosis as a Carrier which would allow for the possible annulment of their marriage.
“I’m useless to you if I can’t make a baby.” Jun’s voice was muffled by the blankets but Sho could still make out his words.
“You aren’t useless. All of my colleagues are jealous of the beautiful husband I have waiting for me at home every night and the wonderful meals you prepare when we are entertaining,” Sho said as he pulled back the blankets far enough to reveal a mass of dark hair which he patted consolingly. “We just have to have sex more often than we already are. I don’t see how that can be too much of a hardship for you. But if nothing happens by next month perhaps you should look at going to the doctors to check that everything is working okay at your end.”
“O-okay,” Jun mumbled.
“Now, cheer up sweetheart, it’s not the end of the world just yet.”
With one last pat, Sho walked from the room, making a mental not to ask Nino to send Jun some flowers to try and cheer him up as he heard the quiet sobs continuing to come from under the blankets.
The memory of his behaviour on that night made him feel a deep and burning shame. How could he have ignored the pain that Jun was feeling at yet another failure? How could he have been so blind to Jun’s distress? Until now he hadn’t even realized that he’d stopped showing Jun the depth of his love which had somehow been hidden by his obsessive need to reproduce.
There was no possibility of him waiting any longer; he needed to see Jun, if only to reassure himself that he was well. The thought of Jun being ill enough to be admitted to hospital terrified him. Even if he was rebuffed, he would confirm with his own eyes that his husband was fine, but he hoped that Jun would allow him the opportunity to take a small step towards making amends for his arrogant and hurtful behaviour.
++++
The next day, Jun was scheduled for the early morning shift. He decided that it would be better to not eat first, in case he needed to be sick again until Aiba reminded him that he needed to at least drink some milk with his pills.
Ohno was there as usual, watching over his rising bread dough like an overprotective parent. Jun wondered if the man ever even went home after he had caught him sleeping in his office on more than one occasion.
Jun's nose was assaulted by many different smells as he walked through the bakery. It was enough to make his head spin. He could handle the sweet smell of chocolate and caramel mixing with the tang of lemon and raspberry; it was the strong coffee that Ohno offered him that set him off.
Ohno was left stranded with his hand outstretched as Jun ran to the employees' bathroom, covering his mouth in an attempt to contain disaster.
When he returned ten minutes later, looking far too pale and slightly green, Ohno wanted him to go home. It was against health regulations to have a sick employee handling food. Jun managed to persuade him to allow him to work on his mural; this way he could still work but not be near the food or the customers. Since the café corner was temporarily closed while Jun undertook the refurbishments, it made sense to have it completed as soon as possible. Ohno was losing money every day by not offering an eat-in service.
Ohno reluctantly agreed, bringing Jun a warm croissant and a cup of tea after an hour or so, pleased with the progress that Jun was making. He was surprised that his employee had completely recovered from his earlier sickness. The way that Jun was happily chewing on the flaky pastry was a far cry from the pale and ill Jun from such a short while ago.
Ohno resolved to keep a close eye on his newest employee. He had a feeling that all was not well behind his cheerful facade.
++++
"That looks incredible."
Jun's hand jerked at the familiar voice, smearing the paint in a diagonal streak across the wall. He was scared to turn around, instead he fixed his gaze on the paint smear, attempting to repair the damage before the paint dried.
"Please look at me."
Knowing that if he did, he would be lost, Jun shook his head, instead asking, "Why are you here? I'm sure that Nino gave you a full report on my activities."
"I wanted to see for myself that you were okay. There was an invoice from the hospital..."
"You don't have anything to worry about. I can pay you back if you like, but it might take me a while," Jun's hand was shaking so badly by now that he was having trouble just holding the brush.
"Jun? Is this man bothering you?" It was Ohno, stepping in to sort out what he thought was an issue with a customer.
"Of course I'm not bothering him..." Sho blustered.
"This is my husband," Jun said, finally turning away from the wall. "He's just leaving."
"Jun, we need to talk. Please come with me somewhere more private," Sho said, stepping closer and raising his hand, as if to make Jun come with him.
Jun flinched backwards, making Sho drop his hand and back away.
"I'm sorry, but I think you should leave now. Jun obviously doesn't wish to speak with you." Ohno said, opening the door and gesturing for Sho to leave.
Sho nodded, not wanting to create a scene. "I'll be waiting for your call. Any time day or night, just ring me and I will come."
Jun stood as if carved from stone as Sho walked out the door. One look into Sho’s pleading eyes and he’d been so tempted to fling himself into his arms, but common sense prevailed. He needed to have all of his thoughts in order before he met with his husband again.
++++
Three hours later Sho was still sitting in his car directly opposite the bakery. Nino had warned him not to do anything stupid, but he'd done it anyway. He should have known that Jun would be startled by him just turning up unannounced like that.
He'd been shocked by the pallor of Jun's face and the fact that he seemed to have lost a great deal of weight since he'd last laid eyes on him. The emotional stress of the last few weeks had obviously affected Jun greatly.
The burden of guilt on Sho's shoulders grew even heavier.
++++
When Aiba arrived for his shift the last person he expected to see was Jun, still working.
"What do you think you're doing?" Aiba snatched the brush from Jun's fingers and forced him to sit on one of the rickety chairs.
"I'm working."
"How long have you been here?"
"Too long," Ohno said as he placed a slice of apple pie and a glass of milk in front of Jun. "Eat this and go home. And don't even think of coming in tomorrow."
"Thanks," Jun mumbled, taking a sip of the milk while trying to disguise the trembling of his hands.
Ohno didn't want to interfere with his employees' private affairs, but he couldn't help telling Aiba. "His husband came by. He hasn't stopped since. Maybe you can make him see sense, because he just ignores me and keeps working."
"Sho was here? What did he want? What did he say?" Aiba knew he was babbling but the words just kept coming.
"He received an invoice for the hospital visit so he came to see if I was okay," Jun said as he tried a nibble of the pie, before wolfing a few large mouthfuls of it down hungrily.
"Where is he now?" Aiba said looking around the room.
"He's sitting in his car across the street."
Aiba sidled over to the door and furtively looked across the road.
There was a large and expensive silver Mercedes with heavily tinted windows sitting directly opposite.
"Wow, what a car!" Aiba said as he sat down and helped himself to some of Jun's pie.” So he's been there for hours just waiting for the chance to see you? What are you going to do?"
"I think that I want to talk to him," Jun replied, only just realizing that it was what he wanted to do. "I'm not intending on going back with him, but I think that he deserves an explanation."
"Take him back to my apartment. I'll be here for the next four hours, so you won't be disturbed." Aiba said as he helped Jun into his coat.
Ohno came back over with two bulging bags full of still warm from the oven mini pizzas, quiches and tiny sugared donuts. "Here, you still look hungry. And remember, no work tomorrow."
"Thanks guys," Jun said as he picked up the bags. If only his meeting with Sho would be so easy.
++++
Through the tinted glass Jun could just barely make out the slumped figure of his husband. Sho was bent forward at an uncomfortable angle with his forehead resting on the steering wheel.
Jun tapped lightly on the window, waking Sho from his daze.
"Hello," Jun said before clearing throat nervously.
"Jun!" Sho's large expressive eyes were filled with sudden hope.
"We need to talk," Jun said, shuffling the bags nervously from one hand to the other.
"That’s all I want to do. I’m not here to force you to return with me," Sho said, jumping out of the car and rushing around to the other side. He opened the door on the front passenger side and escorted Jun into the front seat. His heart was racing at the proximity of his husband after such a long separation.
Jun was equally as nervous. After being apart from his husband for three weeks he felt his resolve to not return on anything less than his own terms weakening. Sho’s comforting arms were so close. All Jun had to do was fling himself into them and everything would return to the way it was before; but that’s precisely what he was most afraid of.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 09:28 am (UTC)Don't worry, I think that the baby will actually give Jun more strength to resist pressure from Sho.
Thanks for reading.