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learashi Pairing: Sakumoto
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I make no claim over Arashi - but I do own these words
Summary: They told him that he was getting better, that his lungs were getting stronger, but he didn't really notice any particular improvements as he continued to lie in the same room for day after day hooked to machinery that hissed and buzzed almost as if speaking soothing words to him.
Notes: Sorry in advance for this. I'm in a bit of a strange mood. Umm...happy ending? *runs under rock*
Jun stared out the window. There was a tiny bird perched on the windowsill. It wasn't particularly large or spectacular in colouring but he envied it because it was free to fly wherever it pleased.
He liked to have the window open to catch the soft spring breeze and the scent of the blossoms on the tree adjacent to the building. It made him feel less isolated from the rest of the world, even if only in his imagination.
They told him that he was getting better, that his lungs were getting stronger, but he didn't really notice any particular improvements as he continued to lie in the same room for day after day hooked to machinery that hissed and buzzed almost as if speaking soothing words to him.
He wondered vaguely why nobody ever came to visit him lately and why he didn't seem to care about the reason behind that. Even his own family had apparently deserted him, leaving him to the care of strangers who kept a professional distance at all times, although he had seen something close to pity in their eyes more often than not.
Jun had wondered at first why nobody answered when he spoke or looked him in the eyes as they tended to his body. It had taken him weeks to realize that they thought he was unresponsive, so deeply within his own mind that he was in a comatose state.
He wanted to tell them that they were wrong for ignoring him in this way, for not acknowledging his desires, his needs beyond those of the purely physical, but after a while he knew that it was futile. Somehow there was an impermeable barrier between him and the rest of existence that was impossible for him to breach.
Perhaps because it had been so peaceful. Drowning hadn't seemed like such a bad way to die when compared to much worse fates, but he had struggled against it at first, until the water won, filling his lungs and stealing the turbulent thoughts from his mind.
It was an unexpected accident after all, so it was only fair that he should be shocked and unprepared for this state of limbo that he was currently trapped in. As a Johnny's he had been trained to agree to everything that was asked of him, to never question whether what they were doing was wise or not.
All of them had at one point or another done things that were stupidly dangerous, especially Aiba who agreed to anything, no matter how ridiculous with a brave smile on his face to distract from the fear in his eyes.
Aiba had spent many hours sitting beside him, clutching his hand around the array of tubes and crying floods of tears. He had tried to tell him to stop being such a sentimental idiot but of course the words wouldn't come out, freezing in that space between his thoughts and his ability to move.
Ohno had been much calmer, humming absently as he carded his fingers through his hair and talking about fishing. He had wanted to laugh at that; talking about deep sea fishing to someone who had been swallowed by the ocean.
Nino had spoken little, but Jun had heard him swallowing hard in an attempt to push down his unshed tears.
As the weeks passed and he drifted further away, Jun noticed the frequency of these visits diminishing, or perhaps he was just becoming increasingly unaware of his surroundings.
He was beginning to think that this was perhaps a better option than just waiting for the one person who he needed so desperately and who hadn't been to visit him even one single time.
He had loved Sho for so long now and perhaps it was just a habit as if he was his security blanket. If he loved Sho then he didn't have to open himself up to being hurt by others, didn't have to make an effort.
And it had been good, really it had, even if their relationship had remained a closely guarded secret just between the two of them. He knew that the others would be angry, not for the connection itself but because Sho was the one who insisted on keeping their secret.
He figured that Sho's absence finally proved that he didn't care. It was just one more reason for him to think about letting go. It was becoming increasingly hard to bear the solitude. Even his friends tended to talk over him and around him but never 'to' him anymore.
Perhaps if he tried really hard he could fly just like that little bird on the windowsill.
××
Sho's fingers trembled as he tried to pick up his phone. He knew by the ring tone that it was Nino, probably ringing to ask him why he still hadn't visited Jun yet. What was he supposed to say? That if he saw Jun like that then he would probably walk up to the roof of the hospital and throw himself straight over the edge?
He had spent so much time pretending to himself that he didn't love Jun that he had almost convinced himself. Almost. But then Jun would look at him, or smile or laugh or even just 'be' and he would feel his heart clench.
How could he go and see him now, after spending so long denying their love? What would be the point, when Jun could no longer finally hear him openly admit his love?
It was Nino calling him, and also Aiba and Ohno, all at the same time.
He was needed at the hospital; Jun seemed to be suddenly slipping away from them and from life and they were frightened.
××
It was actually quite nice, Jun thought as his body felt warm for the first time since he had been unexpectedly sucked under the surface of the ocean.
He could hear Aiba, Ohno and Nino talking 'to' him for the first time in ages instead of around him. They seemed to be upset about the fact that he had decided to stop trying, which he didn't really understand. Wasn't he just being a burden to everyone by staying for so long already?
The door slammed back making him angry. Who would disturb his friends so rudely at such a time? He could hear their surprise and anger as they were pushed aside away from the bed.
And then he was being lifted as if he weighed no more than a feather, which was a great start if he was ever going to become that bird.
××
Sho couldn't believe how light Jun was as he lifted him into his arms, so fragile and yet still so beautiful.
He ignored the others and ignored the concerned staff hovering around the corners of the room. All he could see was Jun, his beautiful Jun lying so still in his embrace, his eyes closed and his body so limp in his arms.
He didn't care about the tubes and wires, the waxy texture of Jun's skin, the blue veins so very close to the papery surface of his skin. He peppered him with kisses as he vowed his undying love for him.
He spoke of their past and their future, of the moments that they were yet to share, and most of all he spoke of his selfish stupidity that had robbed them of so many precious moments together.
And when Sho had run out of words he hugged Jun tightly to his chest willing him to breathe in tandem with him, for his heart to beat in time with his own for the rest of their lives.
××
Jun was almost cross as first. He had spent so long being angry at Sho for abandoning him and he had wanted this to be his grand gesture of revenge. But Sho's scent, his words, his desperate need made him rethink.
He felt so safe and secure in Sho's arms, feeling his warm breath on his face as he kissed him. He could feel Sho's frantic heart beat racing wildly as if encouraging his own to work harder and become stronger.
××
Jun feels as if he is under the water again, but this time it's as if he is being carried to the surface. He can see a shaft of sunlight illuminating the way as his body becomes buoyant and his head breaches the surface. He can breathe clearly for the first time in weeks as he feels all of the love in the room flowing into his core.
If he was a bird he would never be held like this again.
So instead Jun opens his eyes and blinks at the row of faces hovering over him and decides that becoming a bird can wait until he has finished loving Sho and Sho has finished loving him.
Perhaps in fifty or sixty years or so.
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I make no claim over Arashi - but I do own these words
Summary: They told him that he was getting better, that his lungs were getting stronger, but he didn't really notice any particular improvements as he continued to lie in the same room for day after day hooked to machinery that hissed and buzzed almost as if speaking soothing words to him.
Notes: Sorry in advance for this. I'm in a bit of a strange mood. Umm...happy ending? *runs under rock*
Jun stared out the window. There was a tiny bird perched on the windowsill. It wasn't particularly large or spectacular in colouring but he envied it because it was free to fly wherever it pleased.
He liked to have the window open to catch the soft spring breeze and the scent of the blossoms on the tree adjacent to the building. It made him feel less isolated from the rest of the world, even if only in his imagination.
They told him that he was getting better, that his lungs were getting stronger, but he didn't really notice any particular improvements as he continued to lie in the same room for day after day hooked to machinery that hissed and buzzed almost as if speaking soothing words to him.
He wondered vaguely why nobody ever came to visit him lately and why he didn't seem to care about the reason behind that. Even his own family had apparently deserted him, leaving him to the care of strangers who kept a professional distance at all times, although he had seen something close to pity in their eyes more often than not.
Jun had wondered at first why nobody answered when he spoke or looked him in the eyes as they tended to his body. It had taken him weeks to realize that they thought he was unresponsive, so deeply within his own mind that he was in a comatose state.
He wanted to tell them that they were wrong for ignoring him in this way, for not acknowledging his desires, his needs beyond those of the purely physical, but after a while he knew that it was futile. Somehow there was an impermeable barrier between him and the rest of existence that was impossible for him to breach.
Perhaps because it had been so peaceful. Drowning hadn't seemed like such a bad way to die when compared to much worse fates, but he had struggled against it at first, until the water won, filling his lungs and stealing the turbulent thoughts from his mind.
It was an unexpected accident after all, so it was only fair that he should be shocked and unprepared for this state of limbo that he was currently trapped in. As a Johnny's he had been trained to agree to everything that was asked of him, to never question whether what they were doing was wise or not.
All of them had at one point or another done things that were stupidly dangerous, especially Aiba who agreed to anything, no matter how ridiculous with a brave smile on his face to distract from the fear in his eyes.
Aiba had spent many hours sitting beside him, clutching his hand around the array of tubes and crying floods of tears. He had tried to tell him to stop being such a sentimental idiot but of course the words wouldn't come out, freezing in that space between his thoughts and his ability to move.
Ohno had been much calmer, humming absently as he carded his fingers through his hair and talking about fishing. He had wanted to laugh at that; talking about deep sea fishing to someone who had been swallowed by the ocean.
Nino had spoken little, but Jun had heard him swallowing hard in an attempt to push down his unshed tears.
As the weeks passed and he drifted further away, Jun noticed the frequency of these visits diminishing, or perhaps he was just becoming increasingly unaware of his surroundings.
He was beginning to think that this was perhaps a better option than just waiting for the one person who he needed so desperately and who hadn't been to visit him even one single time.
He had loved Sho for so long now and perhaps it was just a habit as if he was his security blanket. If he loved Sho then he didn't have to open himself up to being hurt by others, didn't have to make an effort.
And it had been good, really it had, even if their relationship had remained a closely guarded secret just between the two of them. He knew that the others would be angry, not for the connection itself but because Sho was the one who insisted on keeping their secret.
He figured that Sho's absence finally proved that he didn't care. It was just one more reason for him to think about letting go. It was becoming increasingly hard to bear the solitude. Even his friends tended to talk over him and around him but never 'to' him anymore.
Perhaps if he tried really hard he could fly just like that little bird on the windowsill.
××
Sho's fingers trembled as he tried to pick up his phone. He knew by the ring tone that it was Nino, probably ringing to ask him why he still hadn't visited Jun yet. What was he supposed to say? That if he saw Jun like that then he would probably walk up to the roof of the hospital and throw himself straight over the edge?
He had spent so much time pretending to himself that he didn't love Jun that he had almost convinced himself. Almost. But then Jun would look at him, or smile or laugh or even just 'be' and he would feel his heart clench.
How could he go and see him now, after spending so long denying their love? What would be the point, when Jun could no longer finally hear him openly admit his love?
It was Nino calling him, and also Aiba and Ohno, all at the same time.
He was needed at the hospital; Jun seemed to be suddenly slipping away from them and from life and they were frightened.
××
It was actually quite nice, Jun thought as his body felt warm for the first time since he had been unexpectedly sucked under the surface of the ocean.
He could hear Aiba, Ohno and Nino talking 'to' him for the first time in ages instead of around him. They seemed to be upset about the fact that he had decided to stop trying, which he didn't really understand. Wasn't he just being a burden to everyone by staying for so long already?
The door slammed back making him angry. Who would disturb his friends so rudely at such a time? He could hear their surprise and anger as they were pushed aside away from the bed.
And then he was being lifted as if he weighed no more than a feather, which was a great start if he was ever going to become that bird.
××
Sho couldn't believe how light Jun was as he lifted him into his arms, so fragile and yet still so beautiful.
He ignored the others and ignored the concerned staff hovering around the corners of the room. All he could see was Jun, his beautiful Jun lying so still in his embrace, his eyes closed and his body so limp in his arms.
He didn't care about the tubes and wires, the waxy texture of Jun's skin, the blue veins so very close to the papery surface of his skin. He peppered him with kisses as he vowed his undying love for him.
He spoke of their past and their future, of the moments that they were yet to share, and most of all he spoke of his selfish stupidity that had robbed them of so many precious moments together.
And when Sho had run out of words he hugged Jun tightly to his chest willing him to breathe in tandem with him, for his heart to beat in time with his own for the rest of their lives.
××
Jun was almost cross as first. He had spent so long being angry at Sho for abandoning him and he had wanted this to be his grand gesture of revenge. But Sho's scent, his words, his desperate need made him rethink.
He felt so safe and secure in Sho's arms, feeling his warm breath on his face as he kissed him. He could feel Sho's frantic heart beat racing wildly as if encouraging his own to work harder and become stronger.
××
Jun feels as if he is under the water again, but this time it's as if he is being carried to the surface. He can see a shaft of sunlight illuminating the way as his body becomes buoyant and his head breaches the surface. He can breathe clearly for the first time in weeks as he feels all of the love in the room flowing into his core.
If he was a bird he would never be held like this again.
So instead Jun opens his eyes and blinks at the row of faces hovering over him and decides that becoming a bird can wait until he has finished loving Sho and Sho has finished loving him.
Perhaps in fifty or sixty years or so.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 04:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 04:45 am (UTC)Thanks for reading dear.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 04:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 04:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 05:56 am (UTC)That was a close call!!!
I liked the ending <3 "So instead Jun open his eyes and blinks at the row of faces hovering over him and decides that becoming a bird can wait until he has finished loving Sho and Sho has finished loving him." ;w;
Thanks for sharing this with us!
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 06:04 am (UTC)Sho would never forgive me.
Thanks for reading, my friend ❤
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 07:33 am (UTC)It's so heartbroken at first. But i love Jun will wait for being a bird after he finished loving his Sho. 😊
Sankyuu for sharing this story ^ - ^
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 08:15 am (UTC)And hopefully they will spend the rest of their lives loving each other.
Thank you so much for your lovely comment.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 08:05 am (UTC)Thanks for this!!
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 08:27 am (UTC)I understand Sho not wanting to see him that way but perhaps Jun might have returned to them sooner if he had visited him before then.
This is the first time I've written a story in this style and I was quite surprised as to where it even came from.
Thank you my friend. 💜
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 02:02 pm (UTC)ouch my heart hurts for Jun T-T And then the thing with him and Sho makes me hurts more but I understand how Sho did not (or cannot) see Jun because it'll break him. Poor baby(ies). The drowning was an accident right?
Even with the angst but this is quite beautiful.
Thankfully you didn't end it with sadness, otherwise I'll cry.
(sorry for being missing for a while, I'm back now after going through a bout of cold for the third times this year alone >.> *shakes my head at my health condition this year*)
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 09:23 pm (UTC)The others didn't understand why it was so hard for Sho since they didn't know about the relationship.
Poor you for being sick again.
Feel better soon *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 08:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 03:59 am (UTC)Oh my god.... I don't know why like this kind of stuff gives me goosebumps.. Love is cliche but it seems to be the only thing that makes the world go round and the only thing that can manipulate people's lives but still ends up being considered as the only source of "real" oxygen..... Many things have been written about love. It's everywhere. Talking about it is sometimes tiring but people never get tired of being tired because of it....Gosh I feel like I want to cry... How you wrote this one just triggered some unknown emotions in me...LOL
This is just so beautiful dear.... <3
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 04:06 am (UTC)You seem to have caught the strange mood I was in when I wrote this in one frenzied hour.
Thank you so very much.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-25 02:38 am (UTC)If it's OK, what's that strange mood you're in? Are you OK?
Wow I envy you! You wrote it in one hour! In my case, it takes me a very long time to write a story... hahahahah
no subject
Date: 2017-05-25 03:01 am (UTC)I was just in a sort of oddly melancholy and romantic kind of mood...I can't really explain where this story came from.
I don't normally write this fast but it was all somehow in my mind before I started. (Sorry, I'm not normally this odd.)
I think I may post a follow-up piece soon, just to reassure everyone that Jun is actually alive and if not well, then on the way to mending.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-26 02:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-26 02:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 10:04 am (UTC)I have to admit, I was half-printing your eviction notice as I read this, and I had to read it twice, to make sure that you didn't kill Jun, but I have to say... you deserve cookies for writing this piece. It's a really pretty piece of writing, with the metaphors and birds and fishing(!). I wonder if you'll attempt to write a sequel to this. *puppy eyes*.
<3
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:45 pm (UTC)As for sequel...that's a big ask since this was so different to what I usually write. But maybe next time I am in a strange mood...
Thank you and *huuuugs*
*whispers* please don't let Jun know I said that...
no subject
Date: 2017-05-28 06:23 am (UTC)My favorite.
Jun was almost cross as first. He had spent so long being angry at Sho for abandoning him and he had wanted this to be his grand gesture of revenge. But Sho's scent, his words, his desperate need made him rethink.
He felt so safe and secure in Sho's arms, feeling his warm breath on his face as he kissed him. He could feel Sho's frantic heart beat racing wildly as if encouraging his own to work harder and become stronger.
Thanks for writing...
no subject
Date: 2017-05-28 06:30 am (UTC)And of course I do love to make them suffer just a little bit for a good cause.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2017-07-14 08:25 pm (UTC)I can understand both sides of things - Jun, angered and irritated as his friends/family/the members all but give up on him when he himself still feels very much present. But clearly there was no way they could have known. I was sad to hear about Sho staying away, but I'm glad he came back in the end to realize and acknowledge openly how much he loves Jun.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-15 12:19 am (UTC)Thank you for reading and for your thoughtful comment.