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learashiTitle: Hurting
Pairing: Sakumoto
Genre: Angst
Rating: R
Summary: He loved his career and he loved Jun and he wasn’t willing to let either of them go. But perhaps the decision wasn’t his to make.
He didn’t mean to hurt Jun. He never did. But the words always came out of his mouth before he could stop them. Jun wouldn’t even fight back; just look at him, his huge dark eyes reflecting in their depths the pain he felt at Sho’s cruel words.
He didn’t know why he did it. He loved Jun more than anyone else in the world and when he hurt him it was if he was sticking a knife into his own chest. Perhaps it was guilt from his own inability to publicly acknowledge their relationship. Under their circumstances it was impossible to be completely honest, but they could have let their band mates in on the secret. He had even forbidden Jun to tell the others officially, although they must have become aware of it by now. The five of them spent nearly every waking moment in each other’s company and had done since their debut, so keeping anything a secret from them was virtually impossible.
Perhaps it was because of his upbringing. His family would never accept his lifestyle and their approval meant so much to him. He had already disappointed them in so many other ways and he was already filled with guilt whenever he attended family dinners and was asked how his little job was going, as if what he did didn’t qualify as a proper career. He knew that his family was expecting him to come to his senses and take on a real job, especially now when he had just graduated from Keio.
He loved his career and he loved Jun and he wasn’t willing to let either of them go. But perhaps the decision wasn’t his to make.
++++
Jun knew that Sho didn’t mean to hurt him. He understood the pressure that he was under from so many different sources. He knew that Sho was frustrated with himself and the world in general at the moment, so he tried to be as supportive as possible. But sometimes when Sho was taking his anger out on him, using words that sliced his heart, tearing away a tiny sliver of his love for him each time, he became genuinely afraid.
He knew when he was thinking rationally, that Sho loved him and would never physically hurt him, but sometimes, when the rage consumed him, he feared that Sho would lose himself to that anger and lose control completely and say or do something that could destroy their relationship forever.
Sho’s absolute determination to keep everything a secret was only making things worse. Jun was sure that if they told the others it would release some of the pressure. Being able to relax, to touch one another, to even just sit close to one another in their presence would surely help Sho to come to terms with the decisions he had made. He knew that the other three would be nothing but supportive of their relationship. But instead he felt as if he was being kept a secret, as if he wasn’t important enough, as if he didn’t count and was something that could be easily discarded if it all became too hard.
Sometimes he felt that it all seemed like too much hard work, and as much as he loved Sho, it might be better for them both if they ended things. But then just when he was about to despair, Sho would be kind and loving and make him feel like the most cherished person on the planet and he once again couldn’t imagine life without him.
He knew that soon they needed to sort things out once and for all.
++++
Sho had just moved into his first apartment. He had taken up the lease when he graduated. He still spent most of his time at home, but he was sick of making love to Jun in dressing rooms and on the back seat of his car. He knew that it made Jun feel cheap and as if their relationship didn't count for much when they were reduced to furtive fumbles in secret places.
He didn't know how he came to fall in love with Jun. He had never felt the least bit of desire towards a man before, but there was something special about his bandmate. He was so oblivious to his beauty and so good natured, always cheerful and willing to do his best, but it was his burning desire to succeed and his passion and drive that attracted Sho to him.
He knew that Jun had a boyish crush on him and thought that he was just humouring him until the day of Jun's eighteenth birthday. It was very late at night or very early the next morning if you wanted to be technical about it. The five of them had been celebrating and the others had already left. Ohno had drunk too many beers and had to be helped home by Nino and Aiba. Jun had drunk a few beers too even though he was under age, the others didn't think that they would do him any harm, really.
He was very giggly as Sho tried to get him into the front seat of his car. It was like trying to put a cat in a crate. As soon as he got one bit in, another would pop out making it impossible to close the door. When he finally had him in the seat properly and was about to drive him home he realized that Jun wasn't wearing his seat belt yet.
Sho leant across the birthday boy trying to grab the belt and fasten it when Jun changed from a cat into an octopus. Suddenly he seemed to have hands everywhere, mostly on Sho's ass and crotch.
"Stop that!" Sho said trying to control Jun's wandering hands.
"Shozey cute. Shozeykins hot. Wanna kissy. Wants Sho. Jun loooves Shoo."
Sho couldn't help laughing at Jun's antics. He was so very cute like this, happy and full of life.
But Sho soon realized that Jun meant what he said, when he put his hands on either side of his face and pulled him in for a kiss. It started off as just a light peck on the lips, both of them still laughing, until they looked into each other's eyes. Suddenly Jun seemed to be completely sober as his lips softly pressed against Sho's once again. Sho felt as if it was a dream as they continued the languid kiss, tasting each other for the first time. He couldn't help himself and as Jun parted his lips slightly, unable to contain a moan of pleasure, he slipped his tongue into his band mate's willing mouth.
When they pulled apart ten minutes later, Jun looked at him with such an unfocused blissful expression, his lips slightly swollen from their kisses that Sho felt a strong surge of desire that he had never before experienced. His cock was painfully hard in his trousers and he could see that Jun was in the same state. He knew at that moment that he wanted to possess Jun and make him his own.
++++
Jun had never made a secret of his sexual preferences and his family had known from an early age that he liked boys. They were completely supportive of him and respected his right to privacy. All they needed to know was that he was happy, and if that was the case, then they didn't need details.
Sho's family, on the other hand, were constantly making him sit through dinners which involved the participation of yet another girl from a suitable family, seeming to deliberately choose to ignore the fact that the agency wouldn't permit him to marry anyway. This had never bothered him too much before, because he had always believed that he would end up marrying one of these suitable girls and in due course produce the heir that his family so desperately wanted.
But everything he thought he knew about himself changed with the discovery of his feelings for Jun. It was now impossible for him to imagine a future that didn’t have the younger man in it. If only he had the courage to stand up and fight for that future, but he wasn’t sure if he was strong enough.
++++
After that first kiss on Jun’s birthday, Sho had tried to put their makeout session in the car down to the fact that Jun was drunk and that he himself had just been caught up in the moment. But when Jun walked into the dressing room and looked at him the next day, shyly, with a delicate pink blush to his cheeks he wanted to kiss him all over again. They both found it impossible to look away.
“Look out Jun-chan.” Aiba called from his position sprawled on the sofa with long legs outstretched as Jun tripped over him falling face first on the floor.
Sho rushed over to help him up, his heart racing as he put his arm around Jun’s slender waist, pulling him upright. He couldn’t stop himself from momentarily holding him tight against his body, feeling Jun’s heart beating wildly against his chest. This was the beginning of it all.
“So I can’t tell anybody we are seeing each other?” Jun pouted later that night from his position on Sho’s lap. “Not even the others?”
Sho grabbed his hips and shuffled him back slightly; it was a tight squeeze in the back of his car and Jun being wedged so tightly against his crotch was making it hard to think. “Don’t you think keeping it a secret for the moment makes it more exciting? And this way I get to have you all to myself.” He wasn’t ready just yet for people to know that he was gay when he wasn’t even sure of it himself.
“Mmm, okay, I’ve always fantasised about having a secret lover.” Jun replied nuzzling Sho’s neck.
++++
Sho had promised himself that it was only temporary; he would tell his family and their bandmates just as soon as they were sure that this wasn’t just a physical thing and he was sure of his feelings towards Jun.
But somehow the time had never been right and even now he had told nobody about the full extent of their relationship.
Deep in his heart he was ashamed of his cowardice and the disrespect it showed towards Jun, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t take that first step. He chose instead to ignore the hurt look in Jun’s eyes whenever he went along to those matchmaking dinners at his parent’s house or looked at porn magazines with Aiba, comparing the girls they found in them with the ones that tried to pick them up at nightclubs.
++++
The first time they fully made love was when Jun turned twenty. It’s not that they didn’t have a physical relationship at all; but he refused to take that last step before he felt the younger man was ready.
Jun had asked him, pleaded with him, and sometimes even begged him for it to happen before then, but Sho had refused, wanting Jun to be completely sure before offering up his virginity. He also wanted to be sure that Jun was physically and mentally mature before taking him for the first time. Sometimes, he seemed so fragile and young for his age, with his infectious laugh and his dorky side. At other times he appeared unapproachable and aloof, hiding his true feelings behind a veneer of coldness; afraid of being hurt.
++++
“Sho... Please….” Jun whined rutting against Sho. They were in a disused storage room at the jimusho; Sho had him pinned against the wall ravaging his mouth, hands squeezing his ass. It was still six months until he turned twenty and no matter what he did or said, his boyfriend refused to fuck him. Over the last few months he had come in his pants so many times as he ground his erection against Sho’s as they dry humped each other as well as coming in Sho’s hand as they jerked each other to completion but he wanted still more. There was an empty space inside him, a nagging feeling that he wasn’t good enough, he wasn’t worthy, and he didn’t deserve Sho’s love, why else would he still insist on keeping their relationship a secret? If only he could prove his worth then Sho would be proud to show him off to their friends. If he let him use his body as he liked then surely Sho would have a reason to keep him around forever.
He slid out of Sho’s grasp and reversed their positions, pushing him against the wall in return. He started to unzip Sho’s jeans as he fell to his knees in front of him. If Sho refused to fuck his ass then he would let him fuck his mouth instead.
“No.” Sho said sternly, catching hold of both his hands and pulling them away from his cock.
“P-please let me…” he said, trying not to cry at this latest rejection.
“No.” Sho said once again in a gentler tone, grabbing Jun by the arms and pulling him to stand upright. “Let me.”
Jun couldn’t believe it as Sho reversed their positions, dropping to his knees and unbuttoning his trousers. Just the sight of Sho in this position was almost enough to make him come undone right then.
The feeling when Sho took his erection into his mouth was unlike anything he had ever experienced. It wasn't just the physical pleasure, it was also the knowledge that Sho was willing to go down on his knees and do this for him.
Jun realised that Sho had freed his own erection and was stroking it in time with his mouth working on his cock. It was when Sho moaned with pleasure around him that Jun knew that he was going to come soon. He tried to pull away from Sho's mouth but he was held firmly in place as he came, shocked when Sho swallowed everything with a look of bliss on his face. Sho came soon after, spilling onto his hand and the floor. When Sho stood up and pulled him close for a kiss he could taste himself on his lips. He had never been happier. "I love you," he whispered against his lover's neck.
"I know, baby," was Sho's only response.
Jun's heart felt as if it would break. Why was it that Sho's actions showed him every day that he loved him, but he had never actually spoken those words out loud? Perhaps he still wasn't worthy enough to be loved. Another little piece of self doubt lodged itself in his heart.
++++
When the moment finally came, Sho was probably more nervous than his lover, as he fumbled around arranging condoms and lube on the table beside his bed. It’s not like he had ever done this before either. He had only ever had sex with girls before starting his relationship with Jun. It had been easy when he was eighteen to pick up girls who wanted no strings sex with someone who was starting to become mildly famous. Being the person that he was, he couldn’t help researching the subject thoroughly beforehand, which was not helping him in the over thinking department. He wanted everything to be absolutely perfect for Jun and after making him wait so long the amount of anticipation about what was to come was only adding to the pressure that he was feeling.
In his heart, he knew that once he took this step there was no going back. He would have to admit to himself what he was and that this is what he wanted for the rest of his life. Somewhere a tiny panicking voice at the back of his mind was questioning whether he was completely sure about this and that there was still time to change his mind.
And then Jun walked into the room, still damp from the shower, wearing nothing but a small towel wrapped around his waist and a shy smile and all of his doubts flew out of his mind.
Afterwards as Jun lay in Sho’s arms he whispered “I love you” and once again when there was only silence from Sho, he liked to think that the older man was already asleep.
++++
This same scenario was played out many times after that and Jun always made excuses, telling himself that when Sho was ready he would acknowledge their relationship.
Things finally came to a head one evening when Sho was attending yet another family dinner with yet another prospective wife included on the menu. Jun had left his script behind in Sho’s apartment earlier in the day and wanted to dash back and grab it, but when he arrived his boyfriend was already gone.
Jun slammed his fist into the locked front door in frustration. Even after all the time they had been seeing each other Sho had never given him the key to his apartment. It was all too much for him to take. All the years of being set to one side and not acknowledged as playing a part in Sho’s life finally caught up with him.
++++
Three hours later a very surprised Aiba opened his door and a very drunk Jun fell into his arms. Nino who was there playing video games with his friend came over and help to manoeuvre Jun onto the sofa.
“Jun-chan, is everything ok?” Aiba asked warily.
“Of course it’s not,” Nino said angrily, having already seen the tears welling in Jun’s eyes.
“Why aren’t I good enough? What’s wrong with me that makes him not want me? I’ve tried really hard to make him love me, but it’s never enough,” Jun said, his words ending in a sob.
“It’s not you that’s not good enough; it’s that asshole that you call your boyfriend. Although can you even call him that if he can’t bring himself to describe you in the same way?” Nino said, fiercely protective of his youngest bandmate. “Has he even ever publicly acknowledged your relationship?”
Aiba had noticed Jun’s bruised hand and went to the kitchen, returning with some ice wrapped in a cloth. Jun hadn’t really noticed that he’d even hurt himself until Aiba gently pressed the ice to his hand, which caused a throbbing pain to run all the way up his arm.
Nino was even angrier when he saw Jun’s damaged knuckles. He was about to start lecturing his still-crying bandmate when Aiba made a shushing gesture to him, knowing that Nino wouldn’t be tactful at all in this situation while he was so worked up.
“Nino, perhaps you could fetch Jun-chan a drink?” Aiba said, wanting to give Nino time to calm down.
“Ok, but don’t tell him anything stupid while I’m gone.”
Aiba took Jun into his arms and just quietly held him as he sobbed onto his shoulder, running a hand down his spine in a soothing motion until the crying subsided slightly.
Nino returned with a can of Pepsi in his hand and a stubborn expression on his face and as he knelt on the floor in front of the sofa and handed the drink over he said “Jun, this has to stop. You’re worth more than this.”
Aiba glared at him, but Nino knew that saying anything against Sho would instantly make Jun leap to his defence and nothing would be achieved. The two of them and Ohno had stood by and watched the relationship between their other two bandmates unfold from the beginning, even though Sho still believed that they had no idea about it. They had seen the first blush of excitement and love on Jun’s face be replaced by a wary and unsure look as he constantly worried about letting Sho down, about not being good enough for him. As far as Nino was concerned Jun deserved the moon and the stars and he deserved to be loved openly and wholeheartedly, not treated like something to be ashamed of. He’d wanted to tell Jun this many times but had feared that his interference would only make things worse.
To Nino’s surprise, before he could say anything further Jun said in a slightly slurred voice “You’re right. I am worth more, you know. I finally realized tonight that I don’t even know what he’s thinking half the time.” He winced as he flexed his damaged hand saying “I don’t even have the key to his fucking apartment. I have no more rights than any other casual visitor. I’m just his dirty little secret.”
Aiba went to comfort him, but to his immense surprise Jun slid off the sofa onto the floor next to Nino and put his head in his lap and cried his heart out while Nino stroked his hair and look at Aiba as if asking for help. Aiba slipped down to the floor as well and took Jun’s uninjured hand, squeezing it tightly while they tried to calm him down.
After that they almost talked themselves hoarse trying to find an answer for Jun and somehow they all fell asleep together in a jumbled heap on the floor of the living room. When Aiba woke the next morning he was on his back and Nino was using his stomach as a pillow. There was no sign of Jun though; he had apparently already let himself out of the apartment.
++++
Sho was surprised when a puffy eyed and dishevelled Jun knocked on his door at a ridiculously early time of day. “I need my script,” Jun said in a scratchy voice as he pushed past him.
“Um, Jun, why are you here so early? Are you okay? You look kind of….”
“Like I’ve been crying for half the night because my secret boyfriend is a completely selfish asshole?”
“Jun...I”
“Did you enjoy your dinner? Was this one pretty? Your family will be so happy when you finally pick one.”
“Jun, please, it’s not like that…”
“Tell me what it is like then?”
Jun was pacing angrily around the room, unable to keep still. Sho could feel his own anger rising at this unprovoked attack and Jun’s constant movement was really beginning to annoy him. What gave him the right to barge in and confront him in his own home without any explanation? Without realizing what he was even doing he reached out and grabbed Jun’s wrist, halting the younger man in his tracks.
“What the hell is wrong with you this morning?” Sho growled, jerking Jun towards him.
Jun’s face suddenly lost its colour and he made a small yelp of pain.
It was only then that Sho realized to his horror just how tightly he was gripping Jun's wrist and how he'd almost wrenched his arm from the socket when he'd pulled him closer. He hastily let go but the damage was already done. Red welt marks stood out on Jun’s pale skin and Sho knew that it was going to bruise quite badly.
“Jun, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Sho said, taking a step towards his distressed lover but Jun backed away out of reach clutching his injured wrist with his other hand looking at him with huge frightened eyes.
“You never mean to hurt me, and yet you hurt me every day,” Jun said in a trembling voice, but he was determined to not cry.
Sho was confused “What are you talking about?”
“You really don’t know, do you?” Jun asked, suppressing a bitter laugh. “Don’t you realize what it does to me when you go to these family dinners to pick out a prospective wife? Do you think I like to be kept a secret from everyone that means something to you? I tried to collect my script last night but you were already gone and I couldn’t even get in. After all these years together, I’m not even important enough to you to have my own key. I don’t even have your spare; you gave that to Ohno in case you lock yourself out.”
Sho was looking completely shocked and as if he wanted to make a reply but there was no way that Jun could stop as all the words and emotions he’d been bottling up for so long began to flow out of him.
“I’m tired of this and I’m tired of us being like this. I don’t want to do this anymore. I love you and I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember; but I’m tired of only being in your life when it’s convenient for you. I need someone who is one hundred percent committed to me like I am to you. Can you honestly tell me that you are?”
Sho felt as if he had been turned to stone. He’d known in his heart that this moment would come one day but had always hoped that it wouldn’t. He closed his eyes and turned away, unable to look at the raw need written on Jun’s face.
“I guess that’s all the answer I need,” Jun said in a tiny lifeless voice.
“I guess so,” replied Sho flatly, barely able to get the words out.
"I'll be leaving then..." Jun said, offering Sho another chance to make amends, wanting to cry and throw himself on him and beg for forgiveness for questioning his feelings and hold him and never let go. He didn't think that would be able to survive on his own. But then he thought of his friends, of Ohno, so calm and quietly supportive, Aiba, so caring and sensitive of other's feelings, and finally Nino who acted so snarky and uncaring but actually cared more than anyone and would do anything for those he loved and realized that he wouldn't be completely on his own.
Jun knew that everything had been leading up to this moment. Every cruel word that Sho uttered, every time he made Jun feel unworthy, every time Sho left him alone on holidays to spend time with his family, every time he told Sho that he loved him and he didn't respond had worn his heart down to a fraction of its original size. Even though he couldn't imagine life without him, Jun knew that for his own sake and mental health, it was time to move forward and create that new life.
“Please just tell me this before I go. Did you ever love me?” Jun said as he looked at Sho with eyes that were begging him to make it right, to prove him wrong, to finally acknowledge his feelings, to say the words that he had never managed to say in all their years together. “If you can say it to me now then I won’t go, I’ll stay and we can find a way to make this work somehow.”
Sho wanted to tell Jun that he was proud to have him as his boyfriend, that he couldn’t wish for more, that he wanted to stand on the rooftop and shout it out loud, but deep down he knew that he was too much of a coward to tell his family and that he would eventually bow to the pressure they were placing on him. He knew that it would be best if he let Jun go now so that one day he might find a better man, one who was braver and stronger than he was and would treat him the way he deserved no matter how much it was going to hurt them both. So he said nothing and just stood there feeling as if his soul was separating from his body.
Jun squared his shoulders and took a shaky breath as he came to a final decision, one that he hadn’t thought that he would ever have to make. “From now on we’re band mates and nothing more. It’s not like anyone knew any different anyway, right?” he said in a cold voice as he walked out the door without looking back, shutting it firmly behind him as he put their relationship behind him too.
Sho, who right at that moment wanted to die, said to the closed door the words he had been unable to say for all this time as he slowly sank to his knees on the floor, feeling his heart shatter into a million pieces that he knew could never be put back together again, “I've always loved you and I always will” as he came to terms with the fact that he had lost Jun forever.
Pairing: Sakumoto
Genre: Angst
Rating: R
Summary: He loved his career and he loved Jun and he wasn’t willing to let either of them go. But perhaps the decision wasn’t his to make.
He didn’t mean to hurt Jun. He never did. But the words always came out of his mouth before he could stop them. Jun wouldn’t even fight back; just look at him, his huge dark eyes reflecting in their depths the pain he felt at Sho’s cruel words.
He didn’t know why he did it. He loved Jun more than anyone else in the world and when he hurt him it was if he was sticking a knife into his own chest. Perhaps it was guilt from his own inability to publicly acknowledge their relationship. Under their circumstances it was impossible to be completely honest, but they could have let their band mates in on the secret. He had even forbidden Jun to tell the others officially, although they must have become aware of it by now. The five of them spent nearly every waking moment in each other’s company and had done since their debut, so keeping anything a secret from them was virtually impossible.
Perhaps it was because of his upbringing. His family would never accept his lifestyle and their approval meant so much to him. He had already disappointed them in so many other ways and he was already filled with guilt whenever he attended family dinners and was asked how his little job was going, as if what he did didn’t qualify as a proper career. He knew that his family was expecting him to come to his senses and take on a real job, especially now when he had just graduated from Keio.
He loved his career and he loved Jun and he wasn’t willing to let either of them go. But perhaps the decision wasn’t his to make.
++++
Jun knew that Sho didn’t mean to hurt him. He understood the pressure that he was under from so many different sources. He knew that Sho was frustrated with himself and the world in general at the moment, so he tried to be as supportive as possible. But sometimes when Sho was taking his anger out on him, using words that sliced his heart, tearing away a tiny sliver of his love for him each time, he became genuinely afraid.
He knew when he was thinking rationally, that Sho loved him and would never physically hurt him, but sometimes, when the rage consumed him, he feared that Sho would lose himself to that anger and lose control completely and say or do something that could destroy their relationship forever.
Sho’s absolute determination to keep everything a secret was only making things worse. Jun was sure that if they told the others it would release some of the pressure. Being able to relax, to touch one another, to even just sit close to one another in their presence would surely help Sho to come to terms with the decisions he had made. He knew that the other three would be nothing but supportive of their relationship. But instead he felt as if he was being kept a secret, as if he wasn’t important enough, as if he didn’t count and was something that could be easily discarded if it all became too hard.
Sometimes he felt that it all seemed like too much hard work, and as much as he loved Sho, it might be better for them both if they ended things. But then just when he was about to despair, Sho would be kind and loving and make him feel like the most cherished person on the planet and he once again couldn’t imagine life without him.
He knew that soon they needed to sort things out once and for all.
++++
Sho had just moved into his first apartment. He had taken up the lease when he graduated. He still spent most of his time at home, but he was sick of making love to Jun in dressing rooms and on the back seat of his car. He knew that it made Jun feel cheap and as if their relationship didn't count for much when they were reduced to furtive fumbles in secret places.
He didn't know how he came to fall in love with Jun. He had never felt the least bit of desire towards a man before, but there was something special about his bandmate. He was so oblivious to his beauty and so good natured, always cheerful and willing to do his best, but it was his burning desire to succeed and his passion and drive that attracted Sho to him.
He knew that Jun had a boyish crush on him and thought that he was just humouring him until the day of Jun's eighteenth birthday. It was very late at night or very early the next morning if you wanted to be technical about it. The five of them had been celebrating and the others had already left. Ohno had drunk too many beers and had to be helped home by Nino and Aiba. Jun had drunk a few beers too even though he was under age, the others didn't think that they would do him any harm, really.
He was very giggly as Sho tried to get him into the front seat of his car. It was like trying to put a cat in a crate. As soon as he got one bit in, another would pop out making it impossible to close the door. When he finally had him in the seat properly and was about to drive him home he realized that Jun wasn't wearing his seat belt yet.
Sho leant across the birthday boy trying to grab the belt and fasten it when Jun changed from a cat into an octopus. Suddenly he seemed to have hands everywhere, mostly on Sho's ass and crotch.
"Stop that!" Sho said trying to control Jun's wandering hands.
"Shozey cute. Shozeykins hot. Wanna kissy. Wants Sho. Jun loooves Shoo."
Sho couldn't help laughing at Jun's antics. He was so very cute like this, happy and full of life.
But Sho soon realized that Jun meant what he said, when he put his hands on either side of his face and pulled him in for a kiss. It started off as just a light peck on the lips, both of them still laughing, until they looked into each other's eyes. Suddenly Jun seemed to be completely sober as his lips softly pressed against Sho's once again. Sho felt as if it was a dream as they continued the languid kiss, tasting each other for the first time. He couldn't help himself and as Jun parted his lips slightly, unable to contain a moan of pleasure, he slipped his tongue into his band mate's willing mouth.
When they pulled apart ten minutes later, Jun looked at him with such an unfocused blissful expression, his lips slightly swollen from their kisses that Sho felt a strong surge of desire that he had never before experienced. His cock was painfully hard in his trousers and he could see that Jun was in the same state. He knew at that moment that he wanted to possess Jun and make him his own.
++++
Jun had never made a secret of his sexual preferences and his family had known from an early age that he liked boys. They were completely supportive of him and respected his right to privacy. All they needed to know was that he was happy, and if that was the case, then they didn't need details.
Sho's family, on the other hand, were constantly making him sit through dinners which involved the participation of yet another girl from a suitable family, seeming to deliberately choose to ignore the fact that the agency wouldn't permit him to marry anyway. This had never bothered him too much before, because he had always believed that he would end up marrying one of these suitable girls and in due course produce the heir that his family so desperately wanted.
But everything he thought he knew about himself changed with the discovery of his feelings for Jun. It was now impossible for him to imagine a future that didn’t have the younger man in it. If only he had the courage to stand up and fight for that future, but he wasn’t sure if he was strong enough.
++++
After that first kiss on Jun’s birthday, Sho had tried to put their makeout session in the car down to the fact that Jun was drunk and that he himself had just been caught up in the moment. But when Jun walked into the dressing room and looked at him the next day, shyly, with a delicate pink blush to his cheeks he wanted to kiss him all over again. They both found it impossible to look away.
“Look out Jun-chan.” Aiba called from his position sprawled on the sofa with long legs outstretched as Jun tripped over him falling face first on the floor.
Sho rushed over to help him up, his heart racing as he put his arm around Jun’s slender waist, pulling him upright. He couldn’t stop himself from momentarily holding him tight against his body, feeling Jun’s heart beating wildly against his chest. This was the beginning of it all.
“So I can’t tell anybody we are seeing each other?” Jun pouted later that night from his position on Sho’s lap. “Not even the others?”
Sho grabbed his hips and shuffled him back slightly; it was a tight squeeze in the back of his car and Jun being wedged so tightly against his crotch was making it hard to think. “Don’t you think keeping it a secret for the moment makes it more exciting? And this way I get to have you all to myself.” He wasn’t ready just yet for people to know that he was gay when he wasn’t even sure of it himself.
“Mmm, okay, I’ve always fantasised about having a secret lover.” Jun replied nuzzling Sho’s neck.
++++
Sho had promised himself that it was only temporary; he would tell his family and their bandmates just as soon as they were sure that this wasn’t just a physical thing and he was sure of his feelings towards Jun.
But somehow the time had never been right and even now he had told nobody about the full extent of their relationship.
Deep in his heart he was ashamed of his cowardice and the disrespect it showed towards Jun, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t take that first step. He chose instead to ignore the hurt look in Jun’s eyes whenever he went along to those matchmaking dinners at his parent’s house or looked at porn magazines with Aiba, comparing the girls they found in them with the ones that tried to pick them up at nightclubs.
++++
The first time they fully made love was when Jun turned twenty. It’s not that they didn’t have a physical relationship at all; but he refused to take that last step before he felt the younger man was ready.
Jun had asked him, pleaded with him, and sometimes even begged him for it to happen before then, but Sho had refused, wanting Jun to be completely sure before offering up his virginity. He also wanted to be sure that Jun was physically and mentally mature before taking him for the first time. Sometimes, he seemed so fragile and young for his age, with his infectious laugh and his dorky side. At other times he appeared unapproachable and aloof, hiding his true feelings behind a veneer of coldness; afraid of being hurt.
++++
“Sho... Please….” Jun whined rutting against Sho. They were in a disused storage room at the jimusho; Sho had him pinned against the wall ravaging his mouth, hands squeezing his ass. It was still six months until he turned twenty and no matter what he did or said, his boyfriend refused to fuck him. Over the last few months he had come in his pants so many times as he ground his erection against Sho’s as they dry humped each other as well as coming in Sho’s hand as they jerked each other to completion but he wanted still more. There was an empty space inside him, a nagging feeling that he wasn’t good enough, he wasn’t worthy, and he didn’t deserve Sho’s love, why else would he still insist on keeping their relationship a secret? If only he could prove his worth then Sho would be proud to show him off to their friends. If he let him use his body as he liked then surely Sho would have a reason to keep him around forever.
He slid out of Sho’s grasp and reversed their positions, pushing him against the wall in return. He started to unzip Sho’s jeans as he fell to his knees in front of him. If Sho refused to fuck his ass then he would let him fuck his mouth instead.
“No.” Sho said sternly, catching hold of both his hands and pulling them away from his cock.
“P-please let me…” he said, trying not to cry at this latest rejection.
“No.” Sho said once again in a gentler tone, grabbing Jun by the arms and pulling him to stand upright. “Let me.”
Jun couldn’t believe it as Sho reversed their positions, dropping to his knees and unbuttoning his trousers. Just the sight of Sho in this position was almost enough to make him come undone right then.
The feeling when Sho took his erection into his mouth was unlike anything he had ever experienced. It wasn't just the physical pleasure, it was also the knowledge that Sho was willing to go down on his knees and do this for him.
Jun realised that Sho had freed his own erection and was stroking it in time with his mouth working on his cock. It was when Sho moaned with pleasure around him that Jun knew that he was going to come soon. He tried to pull away from Sho's mouth but he was held firmly in place as he came, shocked when Sho swallowed everything with a look of bliss on his face. Sho came soon after, spilling onto his hand and the floor. When Sho stood up and pulled him close for a kiss he could taste himself on his lips. He had never been happier. "I love you," he whispered against his lover's neck.
"I know, baby," was Sho's only response.
Jun's heart felt as if it would break. Why was it that Sho's actions showed him every day that he loved him, but he had never actually spoken those words out loud? Perhaps he still wasn't worthy enough to be loved. Another little piece of self doubt lodged itself in his heart.
++++
When the moment finally came, Sho was probably more nervous than his lover, as he fumbled around arranging condoms and lube on the table beside his bed. It’s not like he had ever done this before either. He had only ever had sex with girls before starting his relationship with Jun. It had been easy when he was eighteen to pick up girls who wanted no strings sex with someone who was starting to become mildly famous. Being the person that he was, he couldn’t help researching the subject thoroughly beforehand, which was not helping him in the over thinking department. He wanted everything to be absolutely perfect for Jun and after making him wait so long the amount of anticipation about what was to come was only adding to the pressure that he was feeling.
In his heart, he knew that once he took this step there was no going back. He would have to admit to himself what he was and that this is what he wanted for the rest of his life. Somewhere a tiny panicking voice at the back of his mind was questioning whether he was completely sure about this and that there was still time to change his mind.
And then Jun walked into the room, still damp from the shower, wearing nothing but a small towel wrapped around his waist and a shy smile and all of his doubts flew out of his mind.
Afterwards as Jun lay in Sho’s arms he whispered “I love you” and once again when there was only silence from Sho, he liked to think that the older man was already asleep.
++++
This same scenario was played out many times after that and Jun always made excuses, telling himself that when Sho was ready he would acknowledge their relationship.
Things finally came to a head one evening when Sho was attending yet another family dinner with yet another prospective wife included on the menu. Jun had left his script behind in Sho’s apartment earlier in the day and wanted to dash back and grab it, but when he arrived his boyfriend was already gone.
Jun slammed his fist into the locked front door in frustration. Even after all the time they had been seeing each other Sho had never given him the key to his apartment. It was all too much for him to take. All the years of being set to one side and not acknowledged as playing a part in Sho’s life finally caught up with him.
++++
Three hours later a very surprised Aiba opened his door and a very drunk Jun fell into his arms. Nino who was there playing video games with his friend came over and help to manoeuvre Jun onto the sofa.
“Jun-chan, is everything ok?” Aiba asked warily.
“Of course it’s not,” Nino said angrily, having already seen the tears welling in Jun’s eyes.
“Why aren’t I good enough? What’s wrong with me that makes him not want me? I’ve tried really hard to make him love me, but it’s never enough,” Jun said, his words ending in a sob.
“It’s not you that’s not good enough; it’s that asshole that you call your boyfriend. Although can you even call him that if he can’t bring himself to describe you in the same way?” Nino said, fiercely protective of his youngest bandmate. “Has he even ever publicly acknowledged your relationship?”
Aiba had noticed Jun’s bruised hand and went to the kitchen, returning with some ice wrapped in a cloth. Jun hadn’t really noticed that he’d even hurt himself until Aiba gently pressed the ice to his hand, which caused a throbbing pain to run all the way up his arm.
Nino was even angrier when he saw Jun’s damaged knuckles. He was about to start lecturing his still-crying bandmate when Aiba made a shushing gesture to him, knowing that Nino wouldn’t be tactful at all in this situation while he was so worked up.
“Nino, perhaps you could fetch Jun-chan a drink?” Aiba said, wanting to give Nino time to calm down.
“Ok, but don’t tell him anything stupid while I’m gone.”
Aiba took Jun into his arms and just quietly held him as he sobbed onto his shoulder, running a hand down his spine in a soothing motion until the crying subsided slightly.
Nino returned with a can of Pepsi in his hand and a stubborn expression on his face and as he knelt on the floor in front of the sofa and handed the drink over he said “Jun, this has to stop. You’re worth more than this.”
Aiba glared at him, but Nino knew that saying anything against Sho would instantly make Jun leap to his defence and nothing would be achieved. The two of them and Ohno had stood by and watched the relationship between their other two bandmates unfold from the beginning, even though Sho still believed that they had no idea about it. They had seen the first blush of excitement and love on Jun’s face be replaced by a wary and unsure look as he constantly worried about letting Sho down, about not being good enough for him. As far as Nino was concerned Jun deserved the moon and the stars and he deserved to be loved openly and wholeheartedly, not treated like something to be ashamed of. He’d wanted to tell Jun this many times but had feared that his interference would only make things worse.
To Nino’s surprise, before he could say anything further Jun said in a slightly slurred voice “You’re right. I am worth more, you know. I finally realized tonight that I don’t even know what he’s thinking half the time.” He winced as he flexed his damaged hand saying “I don’t even have the key to his fucking apartment. I have no more rights than any other casual visitor. I’m just his dirty little secret.”
Aiba went to comfort him, but to his immense surprise Jun slid off the sofa onto the floor next to Nino and put his head in his lap and cried his heart out while Nino stroked his hair and look at Aiba as if asking for help. Aiba slipped down to the floor as well and took Jun’s uninjured hand, squeezing it tightly while they tried to calm him down.
After that they almost talked themselves hoarse trying to find an answer for Jun and somehow they all fell asleep together in a jumbled heap on the floor of the living room. When Aiba woke the next morning he was on his back and Nino was using his stomach as a pillow. There was no sign of Jun though; he had apparently already let himself out of the apartment.
++++
Sho was surprised when a puffy eyed and dishevelled Jun knocked on his door at a ridiculously early time of day. “I need my script,” Jun said in a scratchy voice as he pushed past him.
“Um, Jun, why are you here so early? Are you okay? You look kind of….”
“Like I’ve been crying for half the night because my secret boyfriend is a completely selfish asshole?”
“Jun...I”
“Did you enjoy your dinner? Was this one pretty? Your family will be so happy when you finally pick one.”
“Jun, please, it’s not like that…”
“Tell me what it is like then?”
Jun was pacing angrily around the room, unable to keep still. Sho could feel his own anger rising at this unprovoked attack and Jun’s constant movement was really beginning to annoy him. What gave him the right to barge in and confront him in his own home without any explanation? Without realizing what he was even doing he reached out and grabbed Jun’s wrist, halting the younger man in his tracks.
“What the hell is wrong with you this morning?” Sho growled, jerking Jun towards him.
Jun’s face suddenly lost its colour and he made a small yelp of pain.
It was only then that Sho realized to his horror just how tightly he was gripping Jun's wrist and how he'd almost wrenched his arm from the socket when he'd pulled him closer. He hastily let go but the damage was already done. Red welt marks stood out on Jun’s pale skin and Sho knew that it was going to bruise quite badly.
“Jun, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Sho said, taking a step towards his distressed lover but Jun backed away out of reach clutching his injured wrist with his other hand looking at him with huge frightened eyes.
“You never mean to hurt me, and yet you hurt me every day,” Jun said in a trembling voice, but he was determined to not cry.
Sho was confused “What are you talking about?”
“You really don’t know, do you?” Jun asked, suppressing a bitter laugh. “Don’t you realize what it does to me when you go to these family dinners to pick out a prospective wife? Do you think I like to be kept a secret from everyone that means something to you? I tried to collect my script last night but you were already gone and I couldn’t even get in. After all these years together, I’m not even important enough to you to have my own key. I don’t even have your spare; you gave that to Ohno in case you lock yourself out.”
Sho was looking completely shocked and as if he wanted to make a reply but there was no way that Jun could stop as all the words and emotions he’d been bottling up for so long began to flow out of him.
“I’m tired of this and I’m tired of us being like this. I don’t want to do this anymore. I love you and I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember; but I’m tired of only being in your life when it’s convenient for you. I need someone who is one hundred percent committed to me like I am to you. Can you honestly tell me that you are?”
Sho felt as if he had been turned to stone. He’d known in his heart that this moment would come one day but had always hoped that it wouldn’t. He closed his eyes and turned away, unable to look at the raw need written on Jun’s face.
“I guess that’s all the answer I need,” Jun said in a tiny lifeless voice.
“I guess so,” replied Sho flatly, barely able to get the words out.
"I'll be leaving then..." Jun said, offering Sho another chance to make amends, wanting to cry and throw himself on him and beg for forgiveness for questioning his feelings and hold him and never let go. He didn't think that would be able to survive on his own. But then he thought of his friends, of Ohno, so calm and quietly supportive, Aiba, so caring and sensitive of other's feelings, and finally Nino who acted so snarky and uncaring but actually cared more than anyone and would do anything for those he loved and realized that he wouldn't be completely on his own.
Jun knew that everything had been leading up to this moment. Every cruel word that Sho uttered, every time he made Jun feel unworthy, every time Sho left him alone on holidays to spend time with his family, every time he told Sho that he loved him and he didn't respond had worn his heart down to a fraction of its original size. Even though he couldn't imagine life without him, Jun knew that for his own sake and mental health, it was time to move forward and create that new life.
“Please just tell me this before I go. Did you ever love me?” Jun said as he looked at Sho with eyes that were begging him to make it right, to prove him wrong, to finally acknowledge his feelings, to say the words that he had never managed to say in all their years together. “If you can say it to me now then I won’t go, I’ll stay and we can find a way to make this work somehow.”
Sho wanted to tell Jun that he was proud to have him as his boyfriend, that he couldn’t wish for more, that he wanted to stand on the rooftop and shout it out loud, but deep down he knew that he was too much of a coward to tell his family and that he would eventually bow to the pressure they were placing on him. He knew that it would be best if he let Jun go now so that one day he might find a better man, one who was braver and stronger than he was and would treat him the way he deserved no matter how much it was going to hurt them both. So he said nothing and just stood there feeling as if his soul was separating from his body.
Jun squared his shoulders and took a shaky breath as he came to a final decision, one that he hadn’t thought that he would ever have to make. “From now on we’re band mates and nothing more. It’s not like anyone knew any different anyway, right?” he said in a cold voice as he walked out the door without looking back, shutting it firmly behind him as he put their relationship behind him too.
Sho, who right at that moment wanted to die, said to the closed door the words he had been unable to say for all this time as he slowly sank to his knees on the floor, feeling his heart shatter into a million pieces that he knew could never be put back together again, “I've always loved you and I always will” as he came to terms with the fact that he had lost Jun forever.
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Date: 2017-02-21 10:05 am (UTC)Coz that's what's happening over the next two weeks.
Oh, how about my new chaptered Sakumoto after that? It is m-preg again. *dangles Sho/Jun baby cuteness*
Jun-shaped cookies and a foot massage from Sho is my final offer.
Friends again?
no subject
Date: 2017-02-21 10:23 am (UTC)I'll take the cookies, and Sho can massage Jun's foot. Also, yesyesyes. I want your fics.
Friends again, yes. :3
Meanwhile progress with my next AU be like miniscule.no subject
Date: 2017-02-21 09:23 pm (UTC)More mpreg, yay!
*goes back to the rock*
no subject
Date: 2017-02-22 08:05 am (UTC)I like what you've done with the place since I've been gone.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-22 07:47 pm (UTC)I'm glad that you mention it~ It was Jun's idea to redecorate a little. We both hated that old wallpaper Sho had chosen!