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learashiPairing: Sakumoto
Genre: Still on the angst side of things (but never fear, a happy ending is at hand)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He loved his career and he loved Jun and he wasn’t willing to let either of them go. But perhaps the decision wasn’t his to make.
Notes: Hello dear readers. This is like a choose your own adventure story. If you were happy with the sad ending of Hurting you may not want to read this (although I would love it if you do). This is a make-up present for all of you whom I made cry. Sorry my dears. Let's see if Sho can get his act together this time (and hopefully save me from your wrath).
For a long while after Jun left Sho lay curled up on the floor unaware of time passing. He was completely hollow inside and he knew that he should just learn to live with the feeling. Without Jun he knew that he would never be whole again so what was the point of anything?
Even though he knew it was too late, he finally made the call to his parents that he should have done years ago and when it was over and they had spoken the words that he knew that they would, a tiny part of him felt lighter. But the tiny part that was relieved that there would be no more matchmaking dinners was out voted by the other 99.9% percent of his being that wailed at his loss, his sheer stupidity and cowardice. Now as well as losing Jun he had, for the moment, also lost his family. He knew that should perhaps hurt him more, but the pain of his actions toward Jun made him numb to anything else.
All he could do was throw himself into his work and attempt to get through each day. If he buried himself deep enough perhaps he could eventually heal a little; and a little healing was more than he deserved.
With a sigh, he finally climbed up off the floor, picking up a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen and a glass on the way to the bedroom. Perhaps if he drank enough he would be able to blur the vision of Jun's distressed face just enough to be able to make it through the day.
++++
Jun couldn't remember getting there, but he found himself once again standing outside a door. It was slightly shabby and nondescript but comfortingly familiar. It was still very early and he didn't want to disturb so he simply slumped against the wood waiting for the door to eventually open.
When it did he was unprepared, falling onto the floor, wincing as he landed on his bruised arm. He decided that the floor was probably the best place for him. He seemed to have lost all the strength from his body when his heart shattered.
He noticed a pair of eyes peering at him from close range. They were filled with a mixture of rage and concern.
"What did he do?" Nino said angrily. "Did he hurt you again?"
"I ended it Nino," Jun replied hollowly. "I finally finished with him. I should be feeling empowered or something shouldn't I? But why do I just feel so empty?"
Jun vaguely felt Nino move away and make some calls. He didn't mind really, the floor was quite comfortable, but Nino might not be happy with the way his tears were making the floorboards damp though.
And then he felt his top half being lifted by a surprisingly strong pair of thin arms and he was being cradled against a bony body as Nino murmured into his hair and rocked him like a baby.
"The others will be here soon," Nino said. "I called them here you see, because I think we both need them. You need Aiba for comfort and I need Riida to stop me from going round to Sho's place and killing him."
Jun wondered if he was supposed to laugh at Nino's last few words, but he could tell by the angry vibration of Nino's body that he was deadly serious.
++++
Aiba edged nervously into the dressing room. It had been approximately six weeks since he had learnt that bursting in with his usual cheerful greeting was not welcome.
As had now become the norm, Jun was sitting on the sofa flanked by Nino on one side and Ohno on the other. Nino was resting against Jun’s side and leafing through a script for a potential drama while Ohno was casually carding his fingers through Jun’s hair while reading a fishing magazine.
Jun was still looking pale and depressed. He reminded Aiba of a flower that had been denied enough sun and water for too long a time. But no matter how bad he looked, he still looked ten times better than Sho did.
The man in question was sitting slumped on the opposite side of the room listlessly working his way through his daily pile of newspapers. The dark circles beneath his eyes were clearly visible even from where Aiba was nervously hovering.
“Um, morning Jun-chan. I brought some of my mother’s red bean buns for you,” Aiba said, waving the tin hopefully under Jun’s nose.
Ohno immediately dropped his magazine and grabbed one, stuffing it into his mouth with a satisfied hum, but Jun merely shook his head and continued to fiddle with his iPod.
“Sho-chan never says no.” Aiba was sure that Sho would probably take one in each hand and try and stuff them both in his mouth at the same time.
Sho however refused the offer, putting down his paper with a sigh and heading out of the room mumbling something about more coffee.
None of them missed the yearning expression on Jun’s face as he watched Sho leave the room before he returned to blank indifference once again.
++++
Sho knew that he was drinking too much and sleeping too little, but he couldn’t even summon the will to particularly care. The makeup ladies constantly chastised him as they slathered ever thicker layers of concealer and foundation under his eyes, but their voices barely penetrated his consciousness.
The only thing getting him through the day was the coffee that he was practically mainlining. He knew that he looked terrible, his reflection in the mirror told him so every morning. But it was nothing that he didn’t feel that he truly deserved. A coward like him deserved no better or so his conscience told him every time he looked across and accidentally caught Jun’s eyes and saw the barely concealed suffering they held.
++++
“Let’s try that again,” Ohno grumped. He was a hard taskmaster when teaching the others his choreography and Sho was giving him endless problems.
Usually Aiba was the one who needed extra time to pick up the steps, but this time he had concentrated silently on his work, his sunny demeanour repressed by the lingering atmosphere of gloom that seemed to accompany all of Arashi’s activities at this time.
Sho was sweating profusely and barely going through the motions. He seemed to hardly even be aware of what he was doing as he stumbled his way around the rehearsal room, bumping into Nino and Aiba periodically as Ohno stood before them and issued precise instructions. Even in his daze he managed to steer a wide berth around Jun; circling around him as if he was drawn too close he would be burnt like a moth in an open flame.
Long after the others left Sho remained behind running over the steps again and again until he was barely able to put one foot in front of the other. Not wanting to have to look at himself in the mirror any longer he switched off the lights, using only the weak light coming in from the lights outside the building to guide his steps. His vision was blurred and his exhaustion bone-deep.
He was so out of it that when he finally collapsed into welcome unconsciousness he didn’t even realise that he was no longer alone.
++++
Jun was all the way down at his car when he noticed that he didn’t have his car keys and then he remembered his jacket draped over the back of a chair in the corner of the rehearsal room.
He knew that Sho had remained behind and the last thing he wanted was to be alone with him. They had somehow managed to avoid it since the breakup. Jun always had one or two of the others forming a protective barricade around him trying to shield him from any further hurt. What they obviously didn’t realise though, was that as far as he was concerned there was no more hurt to be had. He had progressed to a welcome numbness, except for the small but piercing stabs of pity that he felt despite his best efforts when he saw how wrecked Sho had been looking recently.
Whenever Jun felt himself wavering Nino had always been at hand, immovable in his persistent hatred for Sho, stiffening his resolve to maintain the new formality that had emerged from the ashes of their relationship.
With a deep sigh, he turned to slowly retrace his steps back to the dance studio, perhaps if he took a long time Sho surely would have left by another exit and he wouldn’t have to deal with him at all.
++++
Sure that his hopes were fulfilled Jun dashed into the darkened room heading straight towards the back where his jacket was hanging.
He almost missed hearing the thud over the sound of his own shoes echoing across the wooden floor. But it was already too late to stop as he tripped over the prone figure on the floor.
“Sakurai-san?”
Jun knelt down and tentatively touched Sho, shaking him slightly.
Sho’s hand shot up and gripped his own tightly. “Jun? Is it really you? You’ve come back to me?”
Jun snatched his hand away as if burnt. He stood and poked Sho in the side with his toe. “Sakurai-san, do you want me to call a doctor?”
Sho muzzily returned to full awareness, flinching at Jun’s formal way of addressing him. “I’m sorry. I must have tripped in the dark. You can leave me here I’ll be perfectly fine.” He didn’t want Jun to see his pitiful state.
But no matter how much trouble he would be in with Nino in the morning, there was no way that Jun was going to leave Sho alone when he was obviously unwell.
Jun left Sho for a moment as he fetched his jacket and car keys, slinging Sho’s bag over his shoulder as well.
“Come on,” Jun said as he held out his hand. “I’ll take you home.”
Sho was still feeling too dizzy to argue and just barely managed to grip Jun’s hand in return without flinching.
Jun was shocked at how light Sho felt when he pulled him up. Sho had obviously lost weight over the last few weeks, but it was hard to tell under the loose fitting clothes that he favoured while practising.
++++
Sho’s apartment was a place that Jun had never thought he would see the inside of again , but Sho had been so out of it when they arrived he had been left with no choice but to help him upstairs and see him safely inside.
Sho’s hand was trembling too much to be able to fit the key into the lock so Jun carefully took it from his shaking fingers and let them both in.
When he finally managed to switch on the light while simultaneously preventing Sho from falling on his face Jun’s eyes widened in shock; the apartment was in utter chaos. Sho had never been the tidiest of people, Jun had often spent an hour or two tidying up the apartment to make it nicer to spend time in, but this was something that went way beyond that.
The floor was littered with dirty clothes and the kitchen work surface was littered with empty cups from instant noodles, but the most obvious thing of all were the empty whisky bottles abandoned in random places.
Jun was shocked enough to forget to address Sho formally. “Sho? What on earth have you been doing to yourself?”
“Nothing that I don’t deserve,” Sho mumbled as he dropped down onto the sea of newspapers and magazines that obscured the cushions on the sofa.
“Have you really drunk all of these? And eaten all of this crap?”
“Why not? It’s not like anybody cares.” Sho replied, picking up the half full bottle from beside the sofa and taking a long gulp.
Jun instantly bristled. “You had somebody who cares and you threw them away. Do you remember that? Because I remember it every day.”
Sho looked at Jun with eyes that contained nothing but darkness and pain, wanting so badly to speak, but the room was spinning again.
Jun knew that it would be bad for both of them if he stayed so he grabbed Sho’s phone intending to call his family. He was sure that Sho’s brother or sister would be more than happy to help. But their names were missing from the contact list.
“Sho, what happened to your phone? Did you accidentally delete some numbers? I can’ t see your family anywhere.”
“I didn’t delete them. They deleted me.”
“You aren’t making any sense. I need to you to stop drinking that and talk to me,” Jun said angrily as he snatched the bottle away from Sho’s hands.
“I was sick of being a coward and even though I knew that it was too late for us I finally told them,” Sho replied in a tiny voice. “I couldn’t face another of those ludicrous dates set up by my parents.”
“Told them what?”
“That I’m gay. That I love men. More specifically that I love you. They haven’t spoken to me since and I don’t think that they will, not for a long time anyway.”
“Don’t you find it a little ironic that you told them that you love me when you never actually said those words to me for the whole time that we were together?” Jun could feel the desire to punch Sho building up inside him again.
“That just proves how worthless that I am,” Sho whined.
“You treated me like crap and now you’re full of self-pity?” Jun asked, anger making his words come out in a hiss.
Nino was right to keep them apart; all of this was just opening up old wounds once again. Jun stood up and went to leave but Sho lunged forwards onto the floor and wrapped his arms around his waist pressing his face into Jun's hip.
“I loved you for all of that time and I love you now but I know that it’s too late for us. That’s why I decided to let you go. You deserve someone better.”
“You decided? What gave you the right to decide for the both of us?” Jun brushed a tear away from his cheek with an angry swipe. “You controlled our relationship right from the beginning without any input from me, which I am willing to admit was my fault also. I should have spoken up for myself a long time ago. But now you tell me that you broke my heart because you decided that it was for my own good?”
“I hurt you so many times over the years. Every time you told me that you loved me and I was too scared to say the words back to you out loud, as if somehow by saying them my family would hear me. You gave me everything; your love, your body, your soul and all you got from me in return was more hurt.”
“You are a coward Sakurai Sho,” Jun said.
“I know and that’s why I did what I did. You deserve better.”
“What if I don’t want better? What if I want you?”
“You want me? After all I did? Why?”
“Because I love you. You don’t stop loving someone just because they stop loving you.”
“But…”
“It doesn’t mean that we are getting back together again though. I need time to think.” Jun said. “In the meantime you need a bath, food and sleep, in that order.”
Jun helped Sho back up onto the couch and picked his way to the bathroom, trying to not trip over any of the debris.
He knew what Nino would say if he called him and told him what had happened. The others would kill him if they knew that he was at Sho’s apartment, but he decided that it was about time he grew up and made his own decisions.
++++
“If you fall asleep in this tub and drown yourself while I get you some food I will personally kill you,” Jun warned as he propped Sho up against the side making sure that his feet were braced at the far end. Sho nodded sleepily but managed to stay upright.
Jun was shocked by Sho’s appearance when he had finally managed to get the clothes off him. He appeared to have lost at least five kilos since their breakup. His skin was sallow, his hair dull and lifeless and the dark circles under his eyes made him look like a panda.
There wasn’t much food in the apartment, but Jun managed to find some eggs that weren’t past their use by date and a canister of rice in the cupboard. Everything else in the refrigerator looked capable of walking out by itself.
“Here. Scrambled eggs, rice and orange juice,” Jun said as he balanced the plate on a tray that fitted over the tub. He’d often used it to balance a book and a glass of wine while relaxing in Sho’s tub in happier days.
“Coffee?”
“Are you kidding me? Your hands are shaking so bad that I’m going to have to feed you and you want more coffee? How much have you been drinking? Eight cups a day?”
“Um…ten…or sometimes twelve…”
"With no proper food and all this whiskey? It's a miracle that you haven't collapsed before now," Jun chided as he spooned some of the food into Sho's mouth.
Sho was struggling to stay awake as the warmth of the water and the tasty food filling his stomach began to catch up with him.
Jun noticed and removed the empty plate and glass before helping Sho out of the bath. Sho squirmed like a toddler as Jun rubbed him down not so gently with a new clean towel that he found in the bedroom.
"Bed now. We can talk in the morning," Jun said as he tugged some pyjama pants up Sho's legs and helped him into a loose t-shirt before steering him into the bedroom. He'd already changed the sheets while Sho was in the bath.
"Will you still be here in the morning?" Sho asked. He felt as if his heart stopped momentarily while he waited for Jun's answer.
Jun considered his options for a moment before deciding. There was no way that he would feel comfortable leaving Sho alone. He still looked as if he was sickening for something and his limbs were trembling slightly making the sheet rustle slightly with their movement.
"I'll be here. Don't worry about anything right now, just get some sleep."
Sho nodded and was already asleep before Jun left the room.
++++
Jun was too worked up to rest. He cleaned up the worst of the rubbish, filling all the garbage bags Sho owned. Food was the next issue and after a check of the rest of Sho's cupboards Jun picked up Sho's key and went to the mini-mart nearby and stocked up on fresh food. He grabbed some fever patches and cold and flu tablets as well, just in case.
After he returned to the apartment Jun went and checked on Sho, finding that he was running a slight fever. After he applied a patch to his forehead he paused and stood looking down at the man that he had loved for so long.
Even though he knew that it was bad for him, he still found himself drawn back to Sho again and again. He knew that Sho was far from perfect but then neither was he. After tucking the blankets firmly around the older man’s shoulders Jun returned to the living room and sank down on the sofa.
Sitting in the dark was somehow soothing and allowed Jun a peaceful space to think about what to do next. He picked up his phone and his finger hovered over Nino’s number several times and also that of Aiba’s. But he didn’t even need to speak with them to know how the conversation was going to go. Nino would come straight over and drag him away by his hair if necessary and Aiba would offer him only words of encouragement, eager to restore group harmony.
Jun hadn’t been so out of it over the past few weeks to not see the hurt and confusion in Aiba’s eyes and he resolved to make it up to him as soon as possible.
But at the moment all he could do was sit in the dark, contemplating his future as a thousand thoughts chased each other around in his head.
++++
Sho was awakened from a feverish dream as the mattress dipped behind him and a familiar body pressed up against his back. “Whaa?”
“Shh,” Jun murmured as he pressed soft lips to the back of Sho’s neck and wrapped his arm possessively around his chest. “You need to sleep.”
“No.” Sho struggled to turn over and face Jun. “I need to know what this means.”
“Do you truly love me?” Jun was suddenly feeling unsure of his actions.
‘Yes. A thousand times yes,” Sho replied huskily. There was a tiny seed of hope taking root in his heart, but he knew that it was too soon to take anything for granted. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He punctuated each declaration with a kiss to the back of Jun’s hand.
“If we do this we have to do it properly this time. I refuse to be your dirty little secret,” Jun declared raw pain still evident in his voice.
“I will never stop being sorry for that, and ashamed of my cowardice,” Sho said through the tears that were starting to leak from his eyes. “If you give me this chance I promise to try my best.”
“Just trying isn’t good enough. I need to you do you best or else I’m gone, and next time it will be final,” Jun replied firmly, wondering where this sudden courage had come from.
“When I let you go on that day I wanted to die. I stupidly allowed you to walk away, taking my heart with you because I was afraid; afraid of my own feelings. I pretended to myself that it was because of my family, but in reality I kept our relationship a secret because I was terrified that I wasn’t deserving enough to have the love of someone as wonderful as you. I feared the humiliation that would come when you wised up and left me for someone better, so I tried to protect myself. And look at how well that worked out. All that did was almost destroy us both.”
“Have I ever told you that you are an idiot? All you had to do was talk to me like an adult, not run away from things like a frightened child,” Jun replied as he cupped Sho’s face tenderly, checking to see if his fever had abated. “But I love you just the same,” he added before ripping the fever patch off without any warning.
“OW!” Sho yelped.
“If you think that was painful, just wait until you tell Nino that we are back together again,” Jun said, kissing the painful spot soothingly.
“Is it really that simple?”
“Nothing is ever simple,” Jun replied. “But I’m willing to take the chance if you are.”
“Speaking of taking chances, will you move in with me?” Sho asked nervously. This time he wasn’t going to be afraid of making a proper commitment.
“No chance,” Jun said firmly, but quickly adding before Sho had a heart attack, “I refuse to live in this hovel of an apartment with you. You will move in with me; and I must warn you that I am a very demanding landlord.”
“Oh really? Exactly how demanding?” Sho asked as he attempted to recover from the shock Jun’s words had caused him.
“I have certain needs that must be met on a daily basis,” Jun replied as he teasingly slipped his hand under Sho’s shirt and stroked his chest.
“Certainly sir. Your wish is my command,” Sho replied looking quite eager at the thought despite the lingering signs of exhaustion shadowing his face.
“But right now, you need to sleep,” Jun said rolling Sho back onto his side and snuggling up behind him once again.
Sho’s protests only lasted a few moments before his breathing steadied as he drifted towards sleep once more, but this time with the hint of a smile on his lips.
Jun stroked Sho’s hair until he was sure that he slept before turning to lie on his back. He stared up at the ceiling through the darkness for a long time wondering if he really was doing the best thing for both of them.
He knew that the others would think that he was being foolish to forgive Sho so easily, and perhaps he was, but his heart wanted what it wanted and he could only follow.
With his decision made, Jun turned to curl up behind Sho once again, their bodies fitting together as easily as two pieces of a whole, and perhaps that’s what they were.
Genre: Still on the angst side of things (but never fear, a happy ending is at hand)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He loved his career and he loved Jun and he wasn’t willing to let either of them go. But perhaps the decision wasn’t his to make.
Notes: Hello dear readers. This is like a choose your own adventure story. If you were happy with the sad ending of Hurting you may not want to read this (although I would love it if you do). This is a make-up present for all of you whom I made cry. Sorry my dears. Let's see if Sho can get his act together this time (and hopefully save me from your wrath).
For a long while after Jun left Sho lay curled up on the floor unaware of time passing. He was completely hollow inside and he knew that he should just learn to live with the feeling. Without Jun he knew that he would never be whole again so what was the point of anything?
Even though he knew it was too late, he finally made the call to his parents that he should have done years ago and when it was over and they had spoken the words that he knew that they would, a tiny part of him felt lighter. But the tiny part that was relieved that there would be no more matchmaking dinners was out voted by the other 99.9% percent of his being that wailed at his loss, his sheer stupidity and cowardice. Now as well as losing Jun he had, for the moment, also lost his family. He knew that should perhaps hurt him more, but the pain of his actions toward Jun made him numb to anything else.
All he could do was throw himself into his work and attempt to get through each day. If he buried himself deep enough perhaps he could eventually heal a little; and a little healing was more than he deserved.
With a sigh, he finally climbed up off the floor, picking up a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen and a glass on the way to the bedroom. Perhaps if he drank enough he would be able to blur the vision of Jun's distressed face just enough to be able to make it through the day.
++++
Jun couldn't remember getting there, but he found himself once again standing outside a door. It was slightly shabby and nondescript but comfortingly familiar. It was still very early and he didn't want to disturb so he simply slumped against the wood waiting for the door to eventually open.
When it did he was unprepared, falling onto the floor, wincing as he landed on his bruised arm. He decided that the floor was probably the best place for him. He seemed to have lost all the strength from his body when his heart shattered.
He noticed a pair of eyes peering at him from close range. They were filled with a mixture of rage and concern.
"What did he do?" Nino said angrily. "Did he hurt you again?"
"I ended it Nino," Jun replied hollowly. "I finally finished with him. I should be feeling empowered or something shouldn't I? But why do I just feel so empty?"
Jun vaguely felt Nino move away and make some calls. He didn't mind really, the floor was quite comfortable, but Nino might not be happy with the way his tears were making the floorboards damp though.
And then he felt his top half being lifted by a surprisingly strong pair of thin arms and he was being cradled against a bony body as Nino murmured into his hair and rocked him like a baby.
"The others will be here soon," Nino said. "I called them here you see, because I think we both need them. You need Aiba for comfort and I need Riida to stop me from going round to Sho's place and killing him."
Jun wondered if he was supposed to laugh at Nino's last few words, but he could tell by the angry vibration of Nino's body that he was deadly serious.
++++
Aiba edged nervously into the dressing room. It had been approximately six weeks since he had learnt that bursting in with his usual cheerful greeting was not welcome.
As had now become the norm, Jun was sitting on the sofa flanked by Nino on one side and Ohno on the other. Nino was resting against Jun’s side and leafing through a script for a potential drama while Ohno was casually carding his fingers through Jun’s hair while reading a fishing magazine.
Jun was still looking pale and depressed. He reminded Aiba of a flower that had been denied enough sun and water for too long a time. But no matter how bad he looked, he still looked ten times better than Sho did.
The man in question was sitting slumped on the opposite side of the room listlessly working his way through his daily pile of newspapers. The dark circles beneath his eyes were clearly visible even from where Aiba was nervously hovering.
“Um, morning Jun-chan. I brought some of my mother’s red bean buns for you,” Aiba said, waving the tin hopefully under Jun’s nose.
Ohno immediately dropped his magazine and grabbed one, stuffing it into his mouth with a satisfied hum, but Jun merely shook his head and continued to fiddle with his iPod.
“Sho-chan never says no.” Aiba was sure that Sho would probably take one in each hand and try and stuff them both in his mouth at the same time.
Sho however refused the offer, putting down his paper with a sigh and heading out of the room mumbling something about more coffee.
None of them missed the yearning expression on Jun’s face as he watched Sho leave the room before he returned to blank indifference once again.
++++
Sho knew that he was drinking too much and sleeping too little, but he couldn’t even summon the will to particularly care. The makeup ladies constantly chastised him as they slathered ever thicker layers of concealer and foundation under his eyes, but their voices barely penetrated his consciousness.
The only thing getting him through the day was the coffee that he was practically mainlining. He knew that he looked terrible, his reflection in the mirror told him so every morning. But it was nothing that he didn’t feel that he truly deserved. A coward like him deserved no better or so his conscience told him every time he looked across and accidentally caught Jun’s eyes and saw the barely concealed suffering they held.
++++
“Let’s try that again,” Ohno grumped. He was a hard taskmaster when teaching the others his choreography and Sho was giving him endless problems.
Usually Aiba was the one who needed extra time to pick up the steps, but this time he had concentrated silently on his work, his sunny demeanour repressed by the lingering atmosphere of gloom that seemed to accompany all of Arashi’s activities at this time.
Sho was sweating profusely and barely going through the motions. He seemed to hardly even be aware of what he was doing as he stumbled his way around the rehearsal room, bumping into Nino and Aiba periodically as Ohno stood before them and issued precise instructions. Even in his daze he managed to steer a wide berth around Jun; circling around him as if he was drawn too close he would be burnt like a moth in an open flame.
Long after the others left Sho remained behind running over the steps again and again until he was barely able to put one foot in front of the other. Not wanting to have to look at himself in the mirror any longer he switched off the lights, using only the weak light coming in from the lights outside the building to guide his steps. His vision was blurred and his exhaustion bone-deep.
He was so out of it that when he finally collapsed into welcome unconsciousness he didn’t even realise that he was no longer alone.
++++
Jun was all the way down at his car when he noticed that he didn’t have his car keys and then he remembered his jacket draped over the back of a chair in the corner of the rehearsal room.
He knew that Sho had remained behind and the last thing he wanted was to be alone with him. They had somehow managed to avoid it since the breakup. Jun always had one or two of the others forming a protective barricade around him trying to shield him from any further hurt. What they obviously didn’t realise though, was that as far as he was concerned there was no more hurt to be had. He had progressed to a welcome numbness, except for the small but piercing stabs of pity that he felt despite his best efforts when he saw how wrecked Sho had been looking recently.
Whenever Jun felt himself wavering Nino had always been at hand, immovable in his persistent hatred for Sho, stiffening his resolve to maintain the new formality that had emerged from the ashes of their relationship.
With a deep sigh, he turned to slowly retrace his steps back to the dance studio, perhaps if he took a long time Sho surely would have left by another exit and he wouldn’t have to deal with him at all.
++++
Sure that his hopes were fulfilled Jun dashed into the darkened room heading straight towards the back where his jacket was hanging.
He almost missed hearing the thud over the sound of his own shoes echoing across the wooden floor. But it was already too late to stop as he tripped over the prone figure on the floor.
“Sakurai-san?”
Jun knelt down and tentatively touched Sho, shaking him slightly.
Sho’s hand shot up and gripped his own tightly. “Jun? Is it really you? You’ve come back to me?”
Jun snatched his hand away as if burnt. He stood and poked Sho in the side with his toe. “Sakurai-san, do you want me to call a doctor?”
Sho muzzily returned to full awareness, flinching at Jun’s formal way of addressing him. “I’m sorry. I must have tripped in the dark. You can leave me here I’ll be perfectly fine.” He didn’t want Jun to see his pitiful state.
But no matter how much trouble he would be in with Nino in the morning, there was no way that Jun was going to leave Sho alone when he was obviously unwell.
Jun left Sho for a moment as he fetched his jacket and car keys, slinging Sho’s bag over his shoulder as well.
“Come on,” Jun said as he held out his hand. “I’ll take you home.”
Sho was still feeling too dizzy to argue and just barely managed to grip Jun’s hand in return without flinching.
Jun was shocked at how light Sho felt when he pulled him up. Sho had obviously lost weight over the last few weeks, but it was hard to tell under the loose fitting clothes that he favoured while practising.
++++
Sho’s apartment was a place that Jun had never thought he would see the inside of again , but Sho had been so out of it when they arrived he had been left with no choice but to help him upstairs and see him safely inside.
Sho’s hand was trembling too much to be able to fit the key into the lock so Jun carefully took it from his shaking fingers and let them both in.
When he finally managed to switch on the light while simultaneously preventing Sho from falling on his face Jun’s eyes widened in shock; the apartment was in utter chaos. Sho had never been the tidiest of people, Jun had often spent an hour or two tidying up the apartment to make it nicer to spend time in, but this was something that went way beyond that.
The floor was littered with dirty clothes and the kitchen work surface was littered with empty cups from instant noodles, but the most obvious thing of all were the empty whisky bottles abandoned in random places.
Jun was shocked enough to forget to address Sho formally. “Sho? What on earth have you been doing to yourself?”
“Nothing that I don’t deserve,” Sho mumbled as he dropped down onto the sea of newspapers and magazines that obscured the cushions on the sofa.
“Have you really drunk all of these? And eaten all of this crap?”
“Why not? It’s not like anybody cares.” Sho replied, picking up the half full bottle from beside the sofa and taking a long gulp.
Jun instantly bristled. “You had somebody who cares and you threw them away. Do you remember that? Because I remember it every day.”
Sho looked at Jun with eyes that contained nothing but darkness and pain, wanting so badly to speak, but the room was spinning again.
Jun knew that it would be bad for both of them if he stayed so he grabbed Sho’s phone intending to call his family. He was sure that Sho’s brother or sister would be more than happy to help. But their names were missing from the contact list.
“Sho, what happened to your phone? Did you accidentally delete some numbers? I can’ t see your family anywhere.”
“I didn’t delete them. They deleted me.”
“You aren’t making any sense. I need to you to stop drinking that and talk to me,” Jun said angrily as he snatched the bottle away from Sho’s hands.
“I was sick of being a coward and even though I knew that it was too late for us I finally told them,” Sho replied in a tiny voice. “I couldn’t face another of those ludicrous dates set up by my parents.”
“Told them what?”
“That I’m gay. That I love men. More specifically that I love you. They haven’t spoken to me since and I don’t think that they will, not for a long time anyway.”
“Don’t you find it a little ironic that you told them that you love me when you never actually said those words to me for the whole time that we were together?” Jun could feel the desire to punch Sho building up inside him again.
“That just proves how worthless that I am,” Sho whined.
“You treated me like crap and now you’re full of self-pity?” Jun asked, anger making his words come out in a hiss.
Nino was right to keep them apart; all of this was just opening up old wounds once again. Jun stood up and went to leave but Sho lunged forwards onto the floor and wrapped his arms around his waist pressing his face into Jun's hip.
“I loved you for all of that time and I love you now but I know that it’s too late for us. That’s why I decided to let you go. You deserve someone better.”
“You decided? What gave you the right to decide for the both of us?” Jun brushed a tear away from his cheek with an angry swipe. “You controlled our relationship right from the beginning without any input from me, which I am willing to admit was my fault also. I should have spoken up for myself a long time ago. But now you tell me that you broke my heart because you decided that it was for my own good?”
“I hurt you so many times over the years. Every time you told me that you loved me and I was too scared to say the words back to you out loud, as if somehow by saying them my family would hear me. You gave me everything; your love, your body, your soul and all you got from me in return was more hurt.”
“You are a coward Sakurai Sho,” Jun said.
“I know and that’s why I did what I did. You deserve better.”
“What if I don’t want better? What if I want you?”
“You want me? After all I did? Why?”
“Because I love you. You don’t stop loving someone just because they stop loving you.”
“But…”
“It doesn’t mean that we are getting back together again though. I need time to think.” Jun said. “In the meantime you need a bath, food and sleep, in that order.”
Jun helped Sho back up onto the couch and picked his way to the bathroom, trying to not trip over any of the debris.
He knew what Nino would say if he called him and told him what had happened. The others would kill him if they knew that he was at Sho’s apartment, but he decided that it was about time he grew up and made his own decisions.
++++
“If you fall asleep in this tub and drown yourself while I get you some food I will personally kill you,” Jun warned as he propped Sho up against the side making sure that his feet were braced at the far end. Sho nodded sleepily but managed to stay upright.
Jun was shocked by Sho’s appearance when he had finally managed to get the clothes off him. He appeared to have lost at least five kilos since their breakup. His skin was sallow, his hair dull and lifeless and the dark circles under his eyes made him look like a panda.
There wasn’t much food in the apartment, but Jun managed to find some eggs that weren’t past their use by date and a canister of rice in the cupboard. Everything else in the refrigerator looked capable of walking out by itself.
“Here. Scrambled eggs, rice and orange juice,” Jun said as he balanced the plate on a tray that fitted over the tub. He’d often used it to balance a book and a glass of wine while relaxing in Sho’s tub in happier days.
“Coffee?”
“Are you kidding me? Your hands are shaking so bad that I’m going to have to feed you and you want more coffee? How much have you been drinking? Eight cups a day?”
“Um…ten…or sometimes twelve…”
"With no proper food and all this whiskey? It's a miracle that you haven't collapsed before now," Jun chided as he spooned some of the food into Sho's mouth.
Sho was struggling to stay awake as the warmth of the water and the tasty food filling his stomach began to catch up with him.
Jun noticed and removed the empty plate and glass before helping Sho out of the bath. Sho squirmed like a toddler as Jun rubbed him down not so gently with a new clean towel that he found in the bedroom.
"Bed now. We can talk in the morning," Jun said as he tugged some pyjama pants up Sho's legs and helped him into a loose t-shirt before steering him into the bedroom. He'd already changed the sheets while Sho was in the bath.
"Will you still be here in the morning?" Sho asked. He felt as if his heart stopped momentarily while he waited for Jun's answer.
Jun considered his options for a moment before deciding. There was no way that he would feel comfortable leaving Sho alone. He still looked as if he was sickening for something and his limbs were trembling slightly making the sheet rustle slightly with their movement.
"I'll be here. Don't worry about anything right now, just get some sleep."
Sho nodded and was already asleep before Jun left the room.
++++
Jun was too worked up to rest. He cleaned up the worst of the rubbish, filling all the garbage bags Sho owned. Food was the next issue and after a check of the rest of Sho's cupboards Jun picked up Sho's key and went to the mini-mart nearby and stocked up on fresh food. He grabbed some fever patches and cold and flu tablets as well, just in case.
After he returned to the apartment Jun went and checked on Sho, finding that he was running a slight fever. After he applied a patch to his forehead he paused and stood looking down at the man that he had loved for so long.
Even though he knew that it was bad for him, he still found himself drawn back to Sho again and again. He knew that Sho was far from perfect but then neither was he. After tucking the blankets firmly around the older man’s shoulders Jun returned to the living room and sank down on the sofa.
Sitting in the dark was somehow soothing and allowed Jun a peaceful space to think about what to do next. He picked up his phone and his finger hovered over Nino’s number several times and also that of Aiba’s. But he didn’t even need to speak with them to know how the conversation was going to go. Nino would come straight over and drag him away by his hair if necessary and Aiba would offer him only words of encouragement, eager to restore group harmony.
Jun hadn’t been so out of it over the past few weeks to not see the hurt and confusion in Aiba’s eyes and he resolved to make it up to him as soon as possible.
But at the moment all he could do was sit in the dark, contemplating his future as a thousand thoughts chased each other around in his head.
++++
Sho was awakened from a feverish dream as the mattress dipped behind him and a familiar body pressed up against his back. “Whaa?”
“Shh,” Jun murmured as he pressed soft lips to the back of Sho’s neck and wrapped his arm possessively around his chest. “You need to sleep.”
“No.” Sho struggled to turn over and face Jun. “I need to know what this means.”
“Do you truly love me?” Jun was suddenly feeling unsure of his actions.
‘Yes. A thousand times yes,” Sho replied huskily. There was a tiny seed of hope taking root in his heart, but he knew that it was too soon to take anything for granted. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He punctuated each declaration with a kiss to the back of Jun’s hand.
“If we do this we have to do it properly this time. I refuse to be your dirty little secret,” Jun declared raw pain still evident in his voice.
“I will never stop being sorry for that, and ashamed of my cowardice,” Sho said through the tears that were starting to leak from his eyes. “If you give me this chance I promise to try my best.”
“Just trying isn’t good enough. I need to you do you best or else I’m gone, and next time it will be final,” Jun replied firmly, wondering where this sudden courage had come from.
“When I let you go on that day I wanted to die. I stupidly allowed you to walk away, taking my heart with you because I was afraid; afraid of my own feelings. I pretended to myself that it was because of my family, but in reality I kept our relationship a secret because I was terrified that I wasn’t deserving enough to have the love of someone as wonderful as you. I feared the humiliation that would come when you wised up and left me for someone better, so I tried to protect myself. And look at how well that worked out. All that did was almost destroy us both.”
“Have I ever told you that you are an idiot? All you had to do was talk to me like an adult, not run away from things like a frightened child,” Jun replied as he cupped Sho’s face tenderly, checking to see if his fever had abated. “But I love you just the same,” he added before ripping the fever patch off without any warning.
“OW!” Sho yelped.
“If you think that was painful, just wait until you tell Nino that we are back together again,” Jun said, kissing the painful spot soothingly.
“Is it really that simple?”
“Nothing is ever simple,” Jun replied. “But I’m willing to take the chance if you are.”
“Speaking of taking chances, will you move in with me?” Sho asked nervously. This time he wasn’t going to be afraid of making a proper commitment.
“No chance,” Jun said firmly, but quickly adding before Sho had a heart attack, “I refuse to live in this hovel of an apartment with you. You will move in with me; and I must warn you that I am a very demanding landlord.”
“Oh really? Exactly how demanding?” Sho asked as he attempted to recover from the shock Jun’s words had caused him.
“I have certain needs that must be met on a daily basis,” Jun replied as he teasingly slipped his hand under Sho’s shirt and stroked his chest.
“Certainly sir. Your wish is my command,” Sho replied looking quite eager at the thought despite the lingering signs of exhaustion shadowing his face.
“But right now, you need to sleep,” Jun said rolling Sho back onto his side and snuggling up behind him once again.
Sho’s protests only lasted a few moments before his breathing steadied as he drifted towards sleep once more, but this time with the hint of a smile on his lips.
Jun stroked Sho’s hair until he was sure that he slept before turning to lie on his back. He stared up at the ceiling through the darkness for a long time wondering if he really was doing the best thing for both of them.
He knew that the others would think that he was being foolish to forgive Sho so easily, and perhaps he was, but his heart wanted what it wanted and he could only follow.
With his decision made, Jun turned to curl up behind Sho once again, their bodies fitting together as easily as two pieces of a whole, and perhaps that’s what they were.
