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Entry tags:
It Was a Silly Paper Heart
Genre: Angst
Length: Drabble
Disclaimer: I don't own Arashi, unfortunately.
Summary: And suddenly he was back there again. The time when he felt that his heart had been ripped straight out of his chest and held mockingly in front of him before being dropped on the floor and stomped on by a perfectly shod foot.
It was a silly paper heart.
Small, creased and slightly faded, it was hidden at the very bottom of the box. He’d been going through things in preparation for the move to the first joint apartment with his boyfriend when he stumbled across it. He’d thrown away most of the other stuff, small mementoes of trips taken, parties attended and birthdays past. Sick of feeling grubby after a day spent in the furthest reaches of rarely used cupboards he was looking forward to a cold shower and an ever colder beer when he saw it on the bottom of the box under a small stuffed dog Aiba had given to him once years ago.
And suddenly he was back there again. The time when he felt that his heart had been ripped straight out of his chest and held mockingly in front of him before being dropped on the floor and stomped on by a perfectly shod foot.
He knew that he was young and immature and that he embarrassed him with his puppy like devotion. He knew this because he had told him so many times before as he once again explained why their relationship had to be kept a secret. The others knew of course, it was impossible to hide anything from them, but nobody else was to know, especially family and the public. The public part was obvious but Jun couldn’t understand why they couldn’t tell their respective families. That was until he met Sho’s family for the first time. If they couldn’t understand their son’s choice of career, how could they ever understand his choice of partner?
But even though he knew that their relationship couldn’t go anywhere he had given himself freely and wholly to Sho, his first love and first lover. He had given Sho his virginity when he was only 18, because he believed in the caring and loving Sho who treated him like a king and he believed that they would be together forever. It was immediately after that first time that he’d found the little paper heart tucked into his bag. He knew it was from Sho because as he’d held him afterwards when they both lay exhausted, he had told him that his heart belonged to Jun from now onwards and that he should take good care of it.
He realised now just how foolish and naive he had been back then with his vision of growing old together.
He knew that as they grew older; well especially as he grew older and more mature, that they weren’t the same people anymore as when they started. He was more confident and more assertive than he’d been as a teenager and Sho found that hard to deal with sometimes. He knew that they’d been fighting more than usual because Sho didn’t seem able to make time to spend with him over the previous few months except for quick bouts of sex in unused rehersal rooms or storage cupboards. But he hadn’t realised that the real reason was because Sho was seeing other people – no not other people – women.
He knew now that Sho had caved in to the pressure of his family, society and sheer ambition but at the time he thought it was because of him. He felt as if he wasn’t good enough, he wasn’t worth fighting for, he was just some toy to be used and then thrown away. What hurt the most was that Sho denied ever loving him. He said that he had merely humoured his teenage crush and decided to have some fun along the way and if sex was part of that then so be it.
Jun knew that he was being silly and it had all been over and done with long ago and he and Sho had come to an understanding about what happened. They had talked things through and Sho had sincerely apologised, but right now, sitting here holding that fragile little heart in his hand the pain felt as raw as it did on the day that Sho so damaged his heart that he wished it ceased to beat. He'd wondered if that's what dying felt like. On the outside he still looked the same, but on the inside where it mattered the most he was hollow and dead. All of the awkwardness and embarrassment of that time came rushing back to him.
He didn't even realize that he was crying until he felt the drops falling on his hands as he crushed the heart between them.
Suddenly two familiar arms snaked around him from behind, a soft voice murmuring endearments into his ear. He twisted around and caught his boyfriend in a tight embrace, embarrassed to find himself sobbing into his chest. He didn't know how long he sat like that being gently rocked from side to side by his lover.
When the storm of emotions passed he felt cleansed and as if his heart was finally free. Clinging tightly to the man next to him, the man who was his future, he realized that maybe Sho was right and it was merely an infatuation, because since he'd been with Satoshi he had discovered what true love really was.
Satoshi was looking at him with love and concern and perhaps a tiny bit of fear that he may have changed his mind about moving in together. Looking into the eyes of his lover Jun smiled reassuringly as he crumpled the heart into a small ball and tossed it across the room into the garbage.
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